12.31.2008

LIKE, THE FIFTIES, WOW...

DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR AN EXCITING POST-NEW YEARS POST FROM ME TOMORROW BECAUSE IT'S 9 PM ON NEW YEAR'S EVE AND I'M SITTING IN BED WATCHING PBS'S STIMULATING SERIES "MY MUSIC" WHICH IS WHERE THEY GET THE OLDEST PEOPLE ALIVE, PLOP THEM ALL INTO ILL-FITTING DRESS CLOTHES AND STUFF THEM INTO SOME WEIRD TROPICAL-THEMED THEATER, THEN FORCE THEM TO LISTEN TO THE OLDEST SINGERS STILL-ALIVE (DEBATABLE) SINGING THE HITS THAT MADE THEM SADLY NOT-QUITE-FAMOUS-ENOUGH TO WARRANT A BETTER GIG THAN YAPPING THEIR GUMS AT A BUNCH OF CORPSES WITH SOME SAD KARAOKE ACCOMPANIMENT. (THIS IS KIND OF STARTING TO SOUND LIKE THE MAJORITY OF MY PARENT'S BANDS BUT IT'S LACKING THAT JE NE SAIS QUOIS THAT MY MOM EXUDES AFTER HER 5TH GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL KICKS IN AND SHE STARTS IMPROVING BETWEEN SONGS, AKA REMINDING MY DAD THROUGH THE MICROPHONE WHY HE'S A BAD HUSBAND, AKA STAGE MAGIC!!! SHE CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY AND WHEN I ASKED "HOW'S DAD" SHE SAID, "WELL, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, ROLLED OVER, LOOKED AT YOUR FATHER AND SAID, "YOU'RE THE REASON I DRINK!" THIS IS THE LOVING RELATIONSHIP I ASPIRE TO HAVE!!! SO GENIUS) ANYWAY, ADD THE OLDEST PSEUDO-CELEB ALIVE TO HOST AND TRY TO COLLECT PLEDGES, A LOT OF AWKWARD CROWD SHOTS OF OLD MEN NODDING THEIR HEADS TO THE MUSIC OR JUST NODDING OFF, AND YOU HAVE "MY MUSIC" THE MOST AMAZING PROGRAM PBS HAS YET HAD TO OFFER ME, ESPECIALLY ON THIS SAD, SALLOW NEW YEAR'S EVE!

OK, SERIOUSLY, DOES ROBERT GOULET HAVE EYES EVEN? IS HE A CRAB-APPLE SCULPTURE FROM AN OLD TIMEY GENERAL STORE? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. THIS PROGRAM IS GIVING ME SOME WEIRD AMNESIA SO THE LAST THING I REMEMBER IS SETH ADMITTING TO ME EARLIER THAT KATY PERRY "HOT N COLD" IS HIS ACTUAL FAVORITE SONG. LIKE OUT OF EVERY SONG. EVER. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT FOR SURE. MINE RIGHT NOW HAS TO BE SHERYL CROW'S "FAVORITE MISTAKE." TWO SAUCEY GIRLS WITH A LOT TO SAY.

NYE IS JUST LIKE WHATEVER. (HERE'S A REAL CONFESSION: IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO FIGURE OUT WHY EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT NYE THIS WEEK!!!, I THOUGHT SURE IT WAS SOME BUSTED COLLEGE OR SOMETHING? LIKE MAYBE IT WAS LIKE THE FINAL FOUR OR SOMETHING? BUT THEN DUH...) I WOKE UP ON A COME-DOWN FROM SNORTING A PINCH OF MDMA (IT MADE MY DICK NUMB SO PEEING FELT COOL BUT OTHER THAN THAT KIND OF A LET-DOWN? I MEAN I WAS HORNY FROM IT, DUH, UNTIL SETH STRAIGHT PASSED OUT AND THEN I WAS OVER IT) AND HAD TO GO TO THE DMV AND FOUND MYSELF CRYING ON THE WAY, LANGUISHING DURING THE WHOLE ORDEAL BECAUSE MY CAR FAILED ITS SMOG-CHECK, BUT MY SPIRITS WERE FINALLY BOLSTERED BY THE TWO MOST AMAZING DMV EMPLOYEES, ONE FAT, LOUD ROSEANNE-MEETS-MARGUERRITE-PERRIN WHO GRADED MY DRIVER'S TEST, SO NERVE-RACKING! ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE SAID, "WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE YOU INT HE BACK, HAND-CUFF YA, WHIP YA, BEAT YA, CALL YA NAMES AND SEND YA ON YER WAY, JUST KIDDIN', YOU PASSED." PHEW!!! AND THEN THE NEXT LADY WHO GAVE ME MY TEMPORARY OPERATING VEHICLE LICENSE WHO WAS A QUIET, SWEET, MILD-MANNERED LIBRARIAN-LOOKING 50+ LADY, UNTIL SHE WOULD WHISPER "MAMACITA!" OR "CHICA!" OR "BOO!" TO THE BLACK GIRL AT THE NEXT STATION! SO INTO IT! AND SHE CONGRATULATED ME THOROUGHLY ON MY PLANS TO GO TO COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL, SO IN SPITE OF A SMALL SET-BACK, THRONGS OF HIDEOUS ROCKABILLY COUPLES AND CRAZY ASIANS WITH BAD SKIN AND FUNKY ANIME HAIR, THE DMV WAS NOT ALL THAT BAD IN THE END.

BUT IT JUST REALLY SET THE TONE FOR THE DAY. MY ROOMMATE WAS LIKE HAVING THIS PUNK SHOW SO WENT THERE, BLAH BLAH BLAH, THE HIGHLIGHT WAS SOME PSUEDO-HIPPY KID TELLING ME HOW HE TOOK AN OUNCE OF MUSHROOMS LAST WEEK AND WOKE UP IN A SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT (I TOLD HIM IT SOUNDED STINKY) AND HOW HE HOPED THAT 2009 WOULD BRING THE SAME EXCITING THINGS TO US! ALSO THIS DUDE POOPED IN MY PRIVATE BATHROOM AND IT FILLED THAT ROOM UP FOR HOURS! AND NOW IT'S 9 OCLOCK AND I'M IN BED! BUT AT LEAST I HAVE "MY MUSIC" SO I'M HAPPY.

IMAGINE HOW MANY PEOPLE KNEW THE WORDS TO THIS LITTLE DITTY IN THE AUDIENCE!!! AND, GO FIGURE, SHE'S FAT NOW.

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