12.25.2008

SORE HOLIDAY GUIDE

OKAY... FULL DISCLOSURE: MY MIND IS, LIKE, ONLY HALF HERE COZ THE OTHER HALF CAN'T STOP THINKING OF THE HANDFUL OF DRAGON TEARS I GOT IN THE BOTTOM OF MY STOCKING THIS MORNING!

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL.... A GIFT OF DRAGON TEARS IS SO, LIKE, BITTERSWEET, YOU KNOW?

COZ IT'S LIKE, "WHOA, COOL! SHINY! MAGIC! I'M PRETTY MUCH AN ORACLE NOW. THANKS SANTA!"

BUT THEN AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF, LIKE, ORACLING OR WHATEVER, YOU HAFTA STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE DRAGONS. I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF A TURD (MY MOM?) SAT AROUND MAKING A DRAGON CRY, JUST SO THEY COULD COLLECT THE TEARS FOR A (ADMITTEDLY DESERVING) CHILD LIKE MYSELF?

WAS DRAGON MADE TO SIT AND WATCH THAT COMMERCIAL WHERE SARAH MCLACHLAN'S "ANGEL" PLAYS OVER FOOTAGE OF SAD DROOPY POUND PUPPY FACES? DID SOMEONE MAKE DRAGON LISTEN TO THAT CARRIE UNDERWOOD SONG ABOUT THE DEAD (OOPS, SORRY TO GIVE THAT AWAY) SOLDIER ON REPEAT? OR THE WORST: MAYBE DRAGON HAD TO SEE THOSE PROMOS FOR THE NEW SEASON OF THE BIGGEST LOSER WHERE THE FATTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IS TOLD BY THE HOST "DUDE, YOU ARE LIKE THE FATTEST GUY WE'VE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW, GOOD FREAKIN' LUCK," AND THEN A SINGLE WEIRD, GUMMY, FAT PERSON TEAR OOZES DOWN HIS CHEEK?

BUT... WHAT WAS MY POINT?

OH YEAH! I WANTED TO TELL A CHRISTMAS STORY, BUT IT MIGHT BE KIND OF CRAPPY BECAUSE MY MIND IS LIKE, ONLY HALF HERE, YADDA YADDA....

SO LET'S TALK.

YOU KNOW I LIVE FOR THE BUS. LIKE, THAT STRETCH OF MAIN STREET BETWEEN 43RD AND, SAY, 31ST CAN BE A PRETTY, UH, HARROWING JOURNEY, BUT TRUST: SO WORTH IT!

ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS PERKS SUCH AS SPOTTING FASHION-FORWARD TRENDS GALORE (GUY WITH TRASH BAG PANTS MONTHS BEFORE ARI FISH MADE ME WEAR SOME) AND SIGHT-SEEING ("IS THAT ANOTHER NEW CARWASH OR ANOTHER NEW CRICKET LOCATION?"), YOU GET TO EAVESDROP ON, LIKE, PURE INSPIRATION SOMETIMES.

FOR INSTANCE, OR WHATEVER:

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS SITTING CONVENIENTLY CLOSE TO MY FAVE 16 OR 17YO BANJI GIRL (SHE ALWAYS STARTIN' SHIT, I.E. "DON'T SIT ON MY CVS RECEIPT BITCH, IT'S SAVIN' THAT SEAT FOR MY AUNTIE!") WHEN A CRAZED LOOKING OLDER HOMELESS DUDE SAT NEXT TO HER. AS SOON AS HE SAT DOWN, HE STARTED WHISPERING STUFF UNDER HIS BREATH. AFTER A MINUTE OR TWO, I FIGURED OUT HE WAS WHISPERING "SUCK MY DICK, SUCK MY DICK," OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I KNOW, SO CREEP. BUT WE ALL BEEN THERE, RIGHT?

BUT THE BEST PART IS! THE GIRL DIDN'T GET PISSED OR GROSSED OUT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. INSTEAD SHE ROLLED HER EYES AND WAS, LIKE, "BUY ME A WHITE, COLLARED SHIRT. I DO IT."

???

I THINK THAT EVEN CAUGHT THE CREEP OFF GUARD, COZ HE STOPPED TALKING FOR A SECOND. AND GIRL WAS LIKE, "I NEED ME A WHITE, COLLARED SHIRT FOR WORK. BUY ME ONE, I DO IT."

!!!

WHEN CREEP STILL DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, GIRL STOOD UP AND YELLED "DRIVER! THIS BROKE NIGGA TRYIN' TO RAPE ME! RAPE! RAPE!"

THERE WAS ONLY, LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE BUS AND I THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE CLOSE ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED, BUT AFTER A BLOCK OR TWO, THE DRIVER PULLED OVER AND KICKED THE CREEP OFF THE BUS. IT WAS INTENSE!

WHY DID CHRISTMAS MAKE ME THINK OF THAT STORY? OH! COZ WHEN I WAS HOLDING MY DRAGON TEARS THIS MORNING AND JUST, LIKE, SEEING, I HAD A BEAUTIFUL VISION OF A YOUNG BLACK GIRL UNWRAPPING A PRESENT TO FIND A CRISP, WHITE, BUTTON-DOWN, COLLARED SHIRT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU BANJI BITCH. I LOVE YOU!

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