12.24.2008

HOME CUMMING

WELL I'M BACK FROM NYC (I WENT TO DO SOME RESEARCH TO PREPARE TO WATCH THE NEW REAL WORLD: BROOKLYN COMING JANUARY 7TH. IT WAS REAL. WEIRD.) BACK IN MY OWN LITTLE SLICE OF PARADISE WHERE I GET TO HEAR MY 19-YEAR-OLD ROOMMATE'S BOOKS-ON-TAPE ABOUT VAMPIRES ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. IT'S LIKE THIS SOUTHERN LADY NARRATING WITH A REALLY AMAZING FAKE DRAWL AND IT'S ABOUT VAMPIRES IN MODERN TIMES. SO I GUESS IT'S LIKE SOUTHERN GOTHIC? SHE IS KIND OF A GENIUS. HER FAVORITE BAND IS PARAMOUR, SHE'S SEEN THEM 6 TIMES, AND ONCE SHE BROKE HER NOSE AT THEIR SHOW. WE RELATE REALLY WELL BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE THE MOST INSANE HYPOCHONDRIAC SO EVERY TIME I COME HOME SHE'S EITHER BEEN RAPED OR SHOT OR HAS LOST HER VOICE OR HER UTERUS FELL OUT OR SOMETHING. PROBABLY THE ONLY TIME I'VE SEEN HER HAPPY IS WHEN SHE FOUND BUY-ONE-GET-ONE ECONOMY SIZE REDKEN SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER DOWN THE STREET ("AND THIS BRAND IS, LIKE, NICE" SHE ASSURED ME) AT THE TRASHY BRAIDING SALON. SO CUTE!

SHE ALSO TOLD ME THIS AMAZING STORY ABOUT HOW SHE GOT UP AT 6 AM TO GO TO THE SAN FRANCISCO MALL TO SEE ROBERT PATTINSON FROM TWILIGHT (SHE'S LIKE A SUPERFAN) AND LIKE 6000 GIRLS SHOWED UP TO MEET HIM AND WHEN THE MALL EMPLOYEES OPENED THE BIG BANK OF DOORS THEY OPENED ALL BUT ONE OF THEM AND THIS GIRL GOT CRUSHED INTO THE ONE LOCKED DOOR AND GOT HER FACE ALL FUCKED UP BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS OPEN AND SO DID ALL THE OTHER 6000 GIRLS PUSHING UP BEHIND HER SO THE COPS FREAKED AND SHUT DOWN THE EVENT SO NOBODY GOT TO MEET RP. GOD HE'S SO HOT RIGHT?! I LOVE BRITISH GUYS I LOVE ACTORS WHO MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT NOT WASHING THEIR HAIR (ELISABETH SHUE) I LOVE ACTORS ON THE BRINK OF STARDOME WHO SCHLEP AROUND DOWNTOWN L.A. I THOUGHT FOR SURE I'D SEE HIM THE LAST TIME I WAS THERE!!! BUT WE NEVER LEFT THE HOTEL.



AT THE IKEA SHOWROOM I MEAN THE STANDARD DOWNTOWN WONDER WHY NOBODY WANTED TO FUCK ME THAT NIGHT?

BUT ANYWAY I LEARNED A LOT IN NEW YORK BUT MOSTLY I DISCOVERED HOW AMAZING THE CHICKEN SALADS AT MCDONALDS ARE!!! YOU HAVE TO TRY THEM!!! GRILLED OR CRISPY (A LOT OF TIMES THEY ONLY HAVE CRISPY, BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT'S JUST GOD'S WAY OF SAYING "JUST FIB ON YOUR DIET A LIL' BIT KID, I SURE AM, IF U MEANT TO GET SOMETHING HEALTHY AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT IT'S BASICALLY STILL HEALTHY"). MY PERSONAL FAVE IS THE SOUTHWEST-STYLE WHICH COMES WITH A LOT OF FIXINGS MOST IMPORTANTLY FRITOS SPRINKLED ON TOP!

ANOTHER THING I LEARNED IS THAT VIRGIN AIRLINES IS HANDS-DOWN THE BEST AIRLINE. CHEAP AND CHIC (THEY ONLY FLY TO L.A., SAN FRANCISCO, CHICAGO AND NEW YORK, SO LUXURIOUS), THEY PLAY WEIRD AMBIENT TECHNO-LOUNGE MUSIC WHILE YOU FIND YOUR SEAT, AND THE LIGHTS ARE A WARM VIOLET INSTEAD OF FLUORESCENT, SO THE ATMOSPHERE IS EERILY REMINISCENT OF MY LOCAL BATHHOUSE, STEAMWORKS, AND I FEEL TOTALLY AT HOME! THEN YOU SIT DOWN AND REALIZE YOU HAVE A REMOTE CONTROL THAT POPS OUT OF YOUR ARM-WREST TO CONTROL THE SCREEN ON THE SEAT-BACK IN FRONT OF YOU! THEY GOT MTV, VH1, OXYGEN, FUN GAMES LIKE "JUNGLE RUSH" AND "ANAGRAMMARAMA" (I LITERALLY PLAYED 6 HOURS OF THIS TODAY AND GOT THE INDIAN LADY HOOKED ON IT ON MY FLIGHT HOME!). I NEVER WANNA FLY ANYTHING ELSE!!! IT WAS SO CUTE TOO BECAUSE I GOT KIND OF EMBARASSED BECAUSE I WAS LISTENING TO "CORNFLAKE GIRL" BY TORI AMOS ON MY SCREEN AND I DIDN'T WANT THE CHULO GUY (WHO CROSSED HIMSELF DURING TAKE-OFF! HOT!) NEXT TO ME TO THINK I WAS A BIG FAG BUT THEN I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LISTENING TO CELINE DION AND UPON FURTHER SNOOPING HE TOTALLY HAD A GLAMOUR-SHOT-STYLE PIC OF ANOTHER DUDE ON HIS PHONE BACKGROUND, WHICH FURTHER SUPPORTS MY CONCLUSION THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS GAY!!!

I ALSO LEARNED A LOT ABOUT ORGIES. MOSTLY JUST WHERE TO FIND THEM: THE COCK IN NYC ON SUNDAYS! THE PARTY IS CALLED SPERM AND THEY CONVENIENTLY SET UP A WHITE TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR FOR GUYS TO SUCK EACH OTHER OFF AND EVEN FUCK IN! AT ONE POINT WE SAW A GUY WALKING AROUND WITH HIS BUTT OUT AND BUCKETS OF CUM DRIPPING OUT. AND SOMEONE HAD SPILLED A BOTTLE OF POPPERS ON THE FLOOR SO IT WAS LIKE A CONSTANT HEAD-RUSH. FOR SOME REASON WE WERE ALL STILL JONESING MAJOR FOR POPPERS SO BAD THAT MY PAL BUNNY & I BLEW JUST ABOUT EVERYONE TO TRY AND FIND THEM, INCLUDING LITERALLY THE CROW AKA A SALLOW-FACED CORPSE WITH LONG BLACK HAIR IN A WIFE-BEATER. MY BF AND I ALSO FOUND OURSELVES IN THE BATHROOM WITH A REALLY ORAL MUSCLE-BEAR GUY PACKING 8 INCHES WHO WAS ALSO WAY INTO SUCKING TWO D'S AT ONCE, BUT THAT WAS JUST A TEMP JOB I GUESS. THE LAST ORGY OF THE NIGHT WAS A TOTAL BIFF FOR ME, BUT BOTCHED ORGY ASIDE THAT NITE WAS DEFINITELY A HI-LITE OF THE TRIP!

ANOTHER TIP IS IF YOU WANNA TAKE A DAY-TRIP TRY THE CHINATOWN BUS THAT GOES FROM NYC-PHILLY-D.C. IT SMELLS LIKE PISS AND MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO IT'S KIND OF JUST LIKE GOING TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK AND IT'S ONLY $20! AND IF YOU LIKE TO GET YELLED AT MAKE SURE YOU ASK THE LADY WHO RUNS THE TICKET COUNTER QUESTIONS.

IF YOU NEED MORE INSPIRATION THAN THIS DRIBBLE, I'LL POINT YOU TO TWO PLACES:

UNSTOPPABLE'S NEW BLOG

MY OLD ROOMMATE (ON THE RIGHT) PERFORMING



I'M PASSING INTO A FOOD COMA.

2 comments:

  1. aleks,

    i'm lovin it!
    cum 2 austin..

    xo, Jamal / http://hypeheadz.com (Free Track)

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  2. THIS IS GREAT! FIRST THING I READ, AFTER ROY'S POST TODAY. WHERE THE HELL IS BRET ANYWAY? STILL IN KC?

    ReplyDelete