1.11.2009

3 WAY REVIEWS: PART ONE

Have you ever had so many sex propositions thrown at you in one night that you didn't even know how to weigh your options and select the best one? Yeah, me either. Until one fateful August night in Guerneville California that is. I'm not going to pretend like I haven't done my share of sleazy acts in this town before. I once fainted in a hot tub while getting a blowjob from an ex-boyfriend as two sick long haired hippies watched and blew each other. I'm not gonna try and cover up that little mishap. But it definitely didn't prepare me for what I was in store for on this micro-vacay.


Our nite started off innocently when my boyfriend and I went bar hopping between some open mic nite and a gay bar called Rainbow Cattle Company. RCC was so empty when we strolled in that even the BARTENDER wasn't there! Eventually he showed up and so did a couple of old timers. The first one rubbed by ass as he told me we should come over to his cabin. He promised candles, a hot tub, sensual music and massage ("accoutrements" he called them. Yes. She did.)
He was severely busted from head to toe but I still got a semi. We told him we wouldn't be going home with him cuz his house was 3 miles away (oh yeah, and also cuz he was a total creep from creep island.) Suitor number two was some sick old freak who didn't even really get to proposition us due to an argument which culminated when we yelled at him to get his hands off our chests as he called us assholes.
Hot Stud #3 however, actually seemed to be a Total Catch, wowing us with his Courtney Love knowledge and looking super manly at the coin-touch machine on the bar. After about 6 drinks and a good amount of embarassing drunk talk/flirting the three of us were off to our hotel.





We didn't exactly make it to our room however due to the fact that the hotel-bar was playing host to a weekly dance night called LEATHER DISCO. I bet you're thinking Leather Disco is wild and intoxicating but it was really only a couple of wasted fruits gathered around a friendly game of "Apples to Apples" (it's a boardgame, google it.) The Courtney Love loving hottie asked me to "help him pee" so naturally I obliged. I didn't know helping him pee meant him lecturing me on how we would not be having a three way with us. Yeah thanks, you think I'm sexy. But do you think I care if you're looking for something "more", ie a relationship? 30 minutes ago you had your hands down my pants while you watched my boyfriend dry heave. What about that made you believe our encounter was going to lead to something more stable and romantic?

After hearing an earful of BS this dude who was getting less and less attractive by the second. The only logical thing for me to do was walk away , grab another drink and crash the Apples to Apples game. I plopped right down, took off my shirt and instantly won four rounds in a row (I'm not lying). At that point I guess I decided that stripping completely naked was a good idea. Oh, and did I mention that I got a boner while I was stripping? I remember hearing one of the fruits say, "Why is he getting naked?" and then as my pants were fully off another one said, "That's why." HAHA, I'm a genius. I guess removing my pants really started/ended the party for all the guests. Half joined in on the orgy I had just magically created and the other half glared, rolled their eyes, made a couple of bitchy comments and biz-zounced.

Before I could get my socks off I look over and my boyfriend was unbuttoning an extremely wasted long haired guy's pants to give him a blowjob. Only problem is the guy couldn't get a boner cuz he was too wasted. We nicknamed him PonyTail WhiskeyDick. (Yes, he had a ponytail.) Let me give you a run-down of all involved parties. After Ponytail joined in, there was the blonde shaggy haired front desk clerk (who may or may not still be contracted with Falcon?). He took turns blowing us but wouldn't whip his thing out (I'm assuming too much partying gave him whiskey dick too?) You'd think all these guys would be hard as roxx, but they weren't. I guess that with soft comes hard so allow me to introduce them to you. Courtney Love Lover turned out to be full of shit, that bitch was GAGGING on my D in no time. He was a hot kisser for a second, kinda like making out with your friend's hot dad. And YES he was fully erect.... But he was kinda creepy and wouldn't take off his shirt. We nicknamed him Fat Chin. And then there was Hard Dude #2,,,, the only guy that wasn't totally revolting. Generically we ended up calling him "Hottie". His chest was banging and his thing was thick and HARDDDDDD. He kinda reminded me of Dave Navarro in a hairy hillbilly way. That probably doesn't sound hot, at all, but he was... I think?

After about 20 minutes of heaving petting we decided to move things from the outdoor smoking patio we were in to our room, lucky number 7. The room turned out to be not so lucky afterall. PonyTail was long passed out, The front desk guy went off with someone else, Hottie promised us he'd be there in 30 minutes (lying bitch) and we were stuck with FAT CHIN! He turned out to be a bad kisser. His body woulda been hot if he would have OWNED it but he didn't . I wish we woulda carried us around on his shoulders but he was drunk and lazy. We all rolled around for a while, he pulled on some of my pubes and my BF eventually gave him the boot. Thank God.

The next morning we left our room extremely hung over expecting to see everyone from the previous nite gathered around the pool with cocktails but there were no familiar faces.... just a couple of tan old guys. The resort had turned into a ghost town. We brought our room keys back to the front desk and two normal-ish girls were working. I got kind of sad that none of the orgy members were around and just as I gave up all hope, the same front desk guy appeared out of nowhere! "You boys checking out already?", he asked. "Yeah, we have to get back to our jobs," I said, "But don't worry, we'll be back real soon."

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