1.09.2009

VISIONARIES - MOM, OR, ONE NIGHT IN HELL

NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY REAL MOM, SILLY, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE NEW VOICE OF OUR TIME, MOM, A PINT-SIZED PERFORMER OUT OF SACRAMENTO.

I WENT TO DO A STRIP TEASE WITH MY FRIEND'S BAND JEALOUSY AT THIS WEIRD GOTH CABARET SOME LITTLE FREAK PUT ON AT A PUNK CLUB THE OTHER NITE. FIRST THING'S FIRST, I STARTED OFF MY NIGHT TRYING TO BUY THESE AMAZING DRINKS (I WENT TO MY FIRST TIKI BAR LAST WEEK, NOW I ONLY WANT SUGAR WITH MY LIQUOR) CALLED "THE CLUB" AT THE STORE, THEY ARE LIKE MINI-BOTTLES OF YOUR FAVORITE MIXED DRINKS, LIKE A MUDSLIDE, MARGARITA, PINA CALADA, AND EVEN A CENSORED ON THE BEACH (YES THAT'S HOW IT'S PRINTED ON THE BOTTLE!), SO GOOD! I WENT WITH ONE CENSORED AND ONE PINA. THE CENSORED TASTED LIKE KOOL-AID AND VODKA AND THE PINA CALADA TASTED LIKE BANANA BOAT, SO I WAS IN GOOD SHAPE! THE GUY DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS OF AGE, PROBABLY BECAUSE I WAS IN DRAG AND ONLY TEENAGE GIRLS DRINK THOSE, SO HE MUST'VE THOUGH I WAS A TEENAGE GIRL? ANYWAY, I WAS FLATTERED.

OK SORRY ABOUT THE EXPOSITION. SO I WENT TO THIS CLUB AND FINALLY I FELT AT HOME. LIKE, I'VE BEEN IN THE SAN FRANCISCO AREA FOR AWHILE BUT NOT UNTIL THE MOMENT I STEPPED INTO THAT PISS-SMELLING DUMP DID I REALLY FEEL REAL. THERE WAS REAL GOTHS THERE! AND A BAND OF OLD MEN IN RED DRESSES PLAYING CLASSIC-STYLE ROCK! IT WAS LIKE HEAVEN. THE PROMOTER LOOKED LIKE A CREEPY 55+ CLOWN, LIKE SOMETHING TODD MCFARLANE MADE AN ACTION FIGURE OUT OF IN THE 90'S, AND THE EMCEE WAS AN EVEN OLDER DRAG-QUEEN IN A BLACK FUNERAL VEIL. SO BASICALLY I WAS PUMPED.

LIZA THORN, LULU (THE FLOATING CORPSES)


THERE WERE TWO STAGES, AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO PERFORM ON THE BACK ONE, WHICH WAS IN A LITTLE MIRRORED ROOM WITH ELECTRIC CANDLES ON THE TABLES THAT WAS FREEZING COLD. AS SOON AS WE GOT IN THERE TO TALK ABOUT SET-UP THE SOUND-GUY FREAKED AND SAID, "OH SHIT, I FORGOT TO GET A TARP FOR MOM!"

AND THEN THERE SHE WAS. ABOUT FOUR-FOOT TALL, WITH MOUSE EARS AND RED CONSTRUCTION PAPER OBSCURING HER FACE, AND A LITTLE RED DRESS ON THAT WAS JUST SHORT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SEE HER ENTIRE ASS AND VAGINA. ONE PART MINNIE MOUSE, ONE PART BLANKET JACKSON, ONE PART CHARACTER FROM SILENT HILL. SHE ASKED TO PLAY BEFORE US AND THEN SCUTTLED AWAY LIKE THAT LITTLE MIDGET IN THAT BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE FREAKS.

HONESTLY I WAS SCARED, BUT I SAT DOWN TO WATCH ANYWAY. AND LET ME TELL YOU. BRITNEY BETTER WATCH OUT.

MOM STARTED OUT HER SHOW CIRCLING THE ROOM AND RUNNING INTO PEOPLE WHILE PETTING A MUMMIFIED CAT (I REALLY THOUGHT HER PROPS WERE FAKE UNTIL LATER...). THE ACTUAL SMELL OF HER VAGINA WAS PALPABLE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. MY FRIEND LIZA (ANOTHER UP-AND-COMING POP DIVA) SAID IT REMINDED HER OF WHEN SHE HAD CHLAMYDIA IN HIGH-SCHOOL.


MOM'S BACKING TRACKS ARE FUCKED UP VERSIONS OF POPULAR SONGS FROM THE 40'S AND 50S THAT ARE ALL MESSED UP TO SOUND REALLY CREEPY, AND SHE SINGS GIBBERISH LIKE A LITTLE BABY OR A CRYING KITTEN, WITH LOTS OF REVERB. HER NEXT PARTY TRICK WAS TO USE HER MICROPHONE TO TRY AND PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE, BUT WHOEVER IT LANDED ON SHE'D JUST THROW THEIR DRINK ON THEM. BY THE MIDDLE OF THE SET MOM HAD KNOCKED OVER A LOT OF STUFF, CLIMBING OVER TABLES AND RUBBING HER BARE PUSSY ON PEOPLE'S LAPS, AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE LEFT. DURING ANOTHER PART SHE STARTED SCARFING DOWN WHAT I THINK WERE ROTTEN STRAWBERRIES, OR MAYBE ANCHOVIES? THEY SMELLED REALLY BAD AND GOT ALL OVER THE FLOOR. THEN CAME THE FINALE!



MOM PULLED OUT WHAT I TOOK TO BE HALF OF A FAKE OCTOPUS AND FIRST GAVE IT THE TREATMENT THAT SHE GAVE THE CAT MUMMY, JUST LIKE SOFT PETTING, AND THE SMELL IN THE ROOM STARTED TO GET REALLY INSANE. AND SUDDENLY THE INSTRUMENTAL TO ANNIE'S "TOMORROW" CAME ON AND SHE STARTED GOING NUTS! SINGING HER CREEPY LITTLE HEART OUT, MOM SOMEHOW WEDGED THE OCTOPUS FLANK HALFWAY IN HER VAGINA, CLUTCHING THE REST BETWEEN HER LEGS, AND DID A SERIES OF SOMERSAULTS AND CARTWHEELS ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THEN FLUNG THE OCTOPUS INTO THE CROWD. IT LANDED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS ACTUALLY A REAL SIDE OF OCTOPUS! THE SMELL WAS ABSOLUTELY NAUSEATING!




AND THAT WAS THE END! AND THEN I KNEW WHAT MUSIC WAS REALLY ABOUT! I REALLY BELIEVE MOM IS THE NEXT BIG DRAG ICON. MOVE OVER, RU-PAUL!

SO THAT WAS REALLY CRAZY! THEN I STRIPPED WHILE JEALOUSY PLAYED, PAYING HOMAGE TO MY FAVORITE STRIP TEASE, LORI PETTY WITH THE SCISSORS, IN THE DESERT, IN TANK GIRL. I STARED INTO A STROBE LIGHT UNTIL I WENT KIND OF BLIND AND THEN CUT OFF MY PANTY HOSE UNTIL I WAS NAKED. I GOT DISTRACTED AT ONE POINT BECAUSE THE KEYBOARD PLAYER WAS ALSO PANTS-LESS AND HAS REALLY AMAZING LEGS! HER NAME IS ALSO ALEX. I LOVE GUYS WITH MY NAME! THE FIRST GUY TO FUCK ME WAS A STRAIGHT DUDE NAMED ALEX. I FREAKED OUT THE MORNING AFTER AND TRIED TO DATE HIM AND HE NEVER TALKED TO ME AGAIN. OOPS! HIS BAND JUST GOT DROPPED OFF OF SONY, THOUGH. IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF KID ROCK, "PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY DESERVE."

BUT ANYWAY, THEY TOTALLY PULLED THE PLUG ON THE SHOW! I WAS NAKED AND IT WAS TOO LOUD FOR THE SPACE, I GUESS. THAT'S COOL, I HAVE A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN, AND LIZA HAD PASSED OUT IN THE FRONT ROW, SO I HAD TO TAKE HER TO BED. THAT WAS ALSO THE NIGHT OF THE OAKLAND RIOTS...COINCIDENCE? OR MAYBE MOM WAS JUST TRYING TO SAVE ME FROM GETTING TEAR GASSED? SHE'S SO SWEET.

ANYWAY, TV IS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW. I'M FLIPPING BETWEEN A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SPECIAL ABOUT DOG EMBRYOS (SO CUTE!) AND THE NEW REAL WORLD. TOTALLY LIVING FOR: THE TRANNY (LOVES ORGIES!), THE URBAN OUTFITTERS MORMAN (GAY RIGHT?) AND THE HOT IRAQ-VET/SINGER-SONGWRITER (GONNA HOOK UP WITH THE MORMAN AND/OR THE TRANNY). IT'S LOOKING GOOD SO FAR!

JEALOUSY - "PLAYING WITH RINGS"

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