BETWEEN DOWNING A BOTTLE OF FRUTEZIA AND BEING DEAFENED BY MY OWN SHRILL VOICE (IN SPITE OF MANY ATTEMPTS BY SETH TO COVER MY MOUTH WITH HIS HAND. NICE TRY KELLY RIPA!), THE OSCARS WERE A REAL DOOZY. YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HOW MANY LESBIANS AT THAT PARTY GASPED THE FIRST TIME THEY SHOWED MERYL STREEP. ANYWAY THE BEST PART WAS THE TEXTS I WAS GETTING FROM ROY ALL NIGHT.
ROY (7:05 PM): I want Josh Brolin to make me blow him and then punch me
ME: (7:05 PM): I wanna see Tilda Swinton and Anjelica Huston and Whoopie Goldberg do the Vagina Monologues
ROY (7:07 PM): Christopher Walken and Tilda Swinton have the same hairdresser
ROY (7:10 PM): have u seen audience shots of Sophia Loren?? She looks crazy, like a Old West saloon girl
ME (7:17 PM): ROBERT PATTI'S EYELINER?!
ME (7:20 PM): When they just showed Carrie getting the cold-feet call from Big in the limo I teared up again!
ROY (7:47 PM): I wanna put [Joel Gray] in my butt with a pair of tap shoes, see what happens
ME (7:57 PM): I'm like what is Bill Marhs suit made of and Brande said don't u guys have any skinhead friends?! it's sharkskin
ME (8:22 PM): Jerry Lewis plus Eddie Murphey equals flappy lipz crazy eyez extravaganza
ROY (8:23 PM): Flappy lipz crazy eyez sounds like where im headed in about one more drink
ME (8:26 PM): I just killed my 50 oz Frutezia
ROY (8:27 PM): I'm Gelman!
ME (8:28 PM): Haha Alicia Keyes dress caught on her nipple ring
ROY (8:29 PM): What about that big ol' wig bitch got on??
ROY (8:32 PM): U gotta see [Miley Cyrus'] dress, it's like a retarded gay childs idea of red-carpet
ROY (8:36 PM): Adrien Brody lookin like a scrub but I still got a bone for it
ROY (8:38 PM): Im bout to do a highlites reel of Summer of Sam and jack off when this is over
ME (8:50 PM): The entire room screamed for Cher
ROY (8:50 PM): sounds like u need another 50 ouncer
ME (9:34 PM): Theres a f-to-m asleep on the kitchen floor under a blanket
AND YES I DID JUST SIT HERE AND TYPE OUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM MY PHONE AND YES, I DO CALL THIS WRITING. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!