2.23.2009

OSCARS

BETWEEN DOWNING A BOTTLE OF FRUTEZIA AND BEING DEAFENED BY MY OWN SHRILL VOICE (IN SPITE OF MANY ATTEMPTS BY SETH TO COVER MY MOUTH WITH HIS HAND. NICE TRY KELLY RIPA!), THE OSCARS WERE A REAL DOOZY. YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HOW MANY LESBIANS AT THAT PARTY GASPED THE FIRST TIME THEY SHOWED MERYL STREEP. ANYWAY THE BEST PART WAS THE TEXTS I WAS GETTING FROM ROY ALL NIGHT.

ROY (7:05 PM): I want Josh Brolin to make me blow him and then punch me

ME: (7:05 PM): I wanna see Tilda Swinton and Anjelica Huston and Whoopie Goldberg do the Vagina Monologues

ROY (7:07 PM): Christopher Walken and Tilda Swinton have the same hairdresser

ROY (7:10 PM): have u seen audience shots of Sophia Loren?? She looks crazy, like a Old West saloon girl

ME (7:17 PM): ROBERT PATTI'S EYELINER?!

ME (7:20 PM): When they just showed Carrie getting the cold-feet call from Big in the limo I teared up again!

ROY (7:47 PM): I wanna put [Joel Gray] in my butt with a pair of tap shoes, see what happens

ME (7:57 PM): I'm like what is Bill Marhs suit made of and Brande said don't u guys have any skinhead friends?! it's sharkskin

ME (8:22 PM): Jerry Lewis plus Eddie Murphey equals flappy lipz crazy eyez extravaganza

ROY (8:23 PM): Flappy lipz crazy eyez sounds like where im headed in about one more drink

ME (8:26 PM): I just killed my 50 oz Frutezia

ROY (8:27 PM): I'm Gelman!

ME (8:28 PM): Haha Alicia Keyes dress caught on her nipple ring

ROY (8:29 PM): What about that big ol' wig bitch got on??

ROY (8:32 PM): U gotta see [Miley Cyrus'] dress, it's like a retarded gay childs idea of red-carpet

ROY (8:36 PM): Adrien Brody lookin like a scrub but I still got a bone for it

ROY (8:38 PM): Im bout to do a highlites reel of Summer of Sam and jack off when this is over

ME (8:50 PM): The entire room screamed for Cher

ROY (8:50 PM): sounds like u need another 50 ouncer

ME (9:34 PM): Theres a f-to-m asleep on the kitchen floor under a blanket

AND YES I DID JUST SIT HERE AND TYPE OUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM MY PHONE AND YES, I DO CALL THIS WRITING. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

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