4.13.2009

BROKEN DREAMS: SACRAMENTO

SO, WE HAD BRITNEY SPEARS TICKETS AT THE ARCO WHATEVER IN SACRMANTO (WHICH IS PROBABLY AFFILIATED WITH REPTILIAN HUMANOIDS DUE TO ITS HYPNOTIC PARKING LOT LAY-OUT AND HECTAGONAL FLOOR PLAN). IT WAS BUCK. BRITNEY REALLY WORKS IT AND IT REALLY IS A CIRCUS. MY FAVORITE PART HANDS DOWN WAS WHEN A GIANT RED UMBRELLA STUDDED WITH SPARKLY SHIT FLOATED TO THE STAGE AND BRITNEY PERCHED IN ITS CROOK AND SANG "EVERYTIME" WHILE HOVERING IN THE AIR. I THINK SHE HAS DEFINITELY LOST HER MIND. ALSO, FROM WHAT I COULD SEE THE DANCERS WERE HOT. BUT I DIDN'T GET PICTURES OF THAT. ACTUALLY I ONLY HAVE A FEW PICTURES BUT WHAT THEY DON'T SHOW YOU I WANT TO TELL YOU:

SACRAMENTO IS FUCKED UP! OUR WEEKEND STARTED OUT AT THE CITIZEN, WHICH IS SACRAMENTO'S ONLY "FANCY" HOTEL. EXCEPT FOR SOME WANNABE "GONE IN 60 SECONDS" DRAMA IN THE VALET PARKING LOT, THE PLACE WAS PRETTY CHIC. I WAS FREAKING OUT WHEN WE GOT IN AT LIKE 11 BECAUSE EVERYTHING CLOSES EARLY THERE AND I WAS MAJORLY JONESIN' FOR SOME YOGURT, AND THE FRONT DESK LADY SENT UP A WHOLE TRAY! THANKS, BITCH. AFTER GETTING WASTED AND PLAYING SCATEGORIES FOR A COUPLE HOURS, WE WERE READY TO HIT THE TOWN. JUST A SHORT CAB RIDE AWAY IS LAVENDER HEIGHTS (I KNOW, RIGHT?!), THE GAY PART, DUH, IT IS LIKE AN ENTIRE BLOCK OF CHOLO HOMO FREAK SHOW, BUT THE PARTY STARTED IN THE CAB WITH JIMMY (WHOSE LAST NAME WE LATER FOUND OUT IS CUCKOO?!), WHO TALKED LIKE A MUPPET AND CLAIMED TO BE BI. MORE ON HER LATER!

SO WE GO TO FACES WHICH I HAVE TO SAY IS IN MY TOP 10 GAY BARS EVER. IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT EDGAR ALLEN POE STORY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG COSTUME BALL AND EACH ROOM IS THEMED SOMETHING DIFFERENT. THE FIRST ROOM (WHICH IS FRAMED ON TWO SIDES IN GLASS LIKE A FISH BOWL) IS ALL REALLY FAT BLACK LESBIANS GRINDING TO R & B, AKA TOTALLY INSANE AND REALLY MUGGY, LIKE A SAUNA. NEXT IS A STROBEY ROOM WITH THE MAIN BAR THAT PLAYS AMAZING TEJANO DANCE REMIXES AND IS FULL OF DUDES SERVING CHOLO REALNESS AND SOME/HAGARD LATINA TRANNIES. THEN AFTER THAT IS THE TECHNO ROOM, WHICH IS MORE TYPICAL GAY BAR EXCEPT FOR THE CRAZY VIDEO DISPLAYS, WHICH TOTALLY GAVE ME WINDOWS-MEDIA-PLAYER-DISPLAY-ON-MY-PARENTS-COMPUTER-IN-2000-WHILE-I-LISTENED-TO-"SMACK-MY-BITCH-UP" FX. AND THAT'S JUST THE FIRST FLOOR! THE PLACE IS INSANE. ON OUR WAY OUT TO GO TO THE NEXT BAR, LITERALLY THE FATTEST TRANS WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, LIKE A BEAUTIFUL EBONY WHALE, STOPPED US AND SCREAMED, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" AS IF SHE HAD NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO FREAKISH AS US. I GUESS IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE?!
WE GOT TO THE NEXT BAR RIGHT AS SHE WAS CLOSING, BUT (UN)LUCKILY(?) FOR US ITS ADJACENT BAR, THE DEPOT, HOSTS AN AFTER-HOURS WITH MUSIC VIDEOS, WATER, AND COFFEE?! AND YOU CAN SMOKE INSIDE. UNFORTUNATELY FOR US THE MUSHROOMS WE HAD TAKEN KICKED IN RIGHT IN TIME FOR THE SICKEST IDIOT TO SAUNTER UP AND LATCH HIMSELF ON TO US FOR WHAT FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY. WE NICKNAMED HIM JIM CARREY IN "THE MASK" FOR HIS CARTOONISH VOICE AND THE FUCKED-UP WAY THAT HIS FACE EXPRESSED EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE THAT HE SPOKE IN THE CRAZIEST WAYS. I LITERALLY WATNED TO DIE. I LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED! I THINK IF YOU WALK UP TO A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND START TALKING TO THEM AND THEY DON'T ANSWER YOU FOR AT LEAST 30 MINUTES BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AND POINTING AT YOUR FACE BUT YOU JUST KEEP ON TALKING ANYWAY YOU ARE MAYBE A GENIUS? OR AN IDIOT SAVANT. THE ONLY THING I CONSCIOUSLY REMEMBER HER SAYING ACTUALLY IS "NO, I WILL NOT FOLD YOUR FOILS FOR YOU!" AND "PAKI!" AS IF! THIS IS ALSO THE PLACE I MET JOSHY, A BARTENDER AT THE DEPOT. MORE ON HER LATER!

SO WE WENT AND GOT PICKED UP AGAIN BY JIMMY CUCKOO, WHO ACTUALLY WAS PAKISTANI I THINK, AND HE TOOK US TO HIS FRIENDS DEL TACO, THANK GOD. JIMMY SAID HE WAS BI AND THAT WE COULD FOURWAY AFTER HIS SHIFT ENDED AT 3:30, BUT IT STARTED TO GO SOUR WHEN WE REALIZED THAT AS HE WAS TELLING US THIS PARKED OUTSIDE OF OUR HOTEL HE HAD THE METER RUNNING! DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE AS THEIR FRIEND AND THEY ARE ACTUALLY JUST TRYING TO PUMP YOU FOR A FAT TAXI FARE?!?! OF COURSE WE KNEW THE FOURWAY WAS OFF, SO WE MOUNTED THE ELEVATOR TO ROOM 1100 AND ALL STARTED TEXTING JIMMY FURIOUSLY. I THINK IT WENT ALONG THE LINES OF, "I HAVE CHIN HAIR." "TEEN VOGUE" "FUCK MY SWEATY PUSSY" ETC. HE NEVER TEXTED BACK. MAYBE HE HAS A SHEISTY PHONE? WE DIDN'T KNOW (UNTIL THE NEXT NIGHT!!!)

SO THE NEXT NIGHT WAS BRITNEY, AND AFTER ALL THAT DRAMA WAS OVER (GIRL WE LOOKED FOR OUR VAN IN THE PARKING LOT FOR DAYS), WE HIT THE STREETS AGAIN TO TAKE IT TO LAVENDER HEIGHTS. WE GOT IN A CAB WITH TWO DRIVERS FOR SOME REASON (BOYFRIENDS?) WHO STARTED ASKING IF WE HAD MET JIMMY CUCKOO LAST NIGHT. WAIT, WHAT? TURNS OUT, GIRLFRIEND HAD TEXTED ***THE ENTIRE YELLOW CAB FLEET OF SACRAMENTO*** OUR ROOM NUMBER AND FORWARDED THEM ALL OF THE TEXTS WE HAD SENT HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!! IT WAS LIKE AN EPISODE OF GOSSIP GIRL OR SOMETHING, WHEN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM GETS A TEXT UPDATE AND STARTS STARING AT BLAIR BECAUSE THEY ALL JUST FOUND OUT SHE GOT REJECTED FROM YALE FOR THE 100TH TIME. SO WEIRD. SO WE HIT UP THE BARS, STARTING WITH THE MERCANTILE, WHERE THEY HAVE A CUTE PATIO AND I GOT CALLED LADY GAGA (I'LL TAKE IT). I MET MY MOTHER THERE, A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD QUEEN NAMED LIBBY WHO SAID IF I WASN'T THERE WITH MY BROTHER (ONE OF THE MANY THINGS I CALL MY BOYFRIEND IN PUBLIC), SHE WOULD BE ON ME LIKE A DOG ON A BONE. ALSO, SHE SAT AT THE BAR SO BOWLEGGED THAT YOU COULD TOTALLY SEE SHE HAD NOTHING ON UNDER HER NYLONS, AKA SHE REALLY WAS MY MOM? SO COOL.
ALSO, THEY LITERALLY PLAYED ENYA. REALLY COOL. I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THAT NIGHT BUT IT DEFINITELY ENDED UP AT THE DEPOT AGAIN, WITH ME SPRAYING MIXERS INTO MY MOUTH FROM THE GUN DANGLING MY HEELS OVER THE ICE, ALL OF US BEHIND THE BAR MAKING FRIENDS. DUH, WE INVITED THE TWO BARTENDERS (ONE WAS JOSHY FROM FRIDAY NIGHT, THE OTHER A KIND-OF HOT MOUSTACHED OLDER DUDE) AND THE HOT BAR BACK, TO OUR ROOM.

WELL, AS 4:30 ROLLED AROUND WE THOUGHT THEY WOULD SHOW AND DAD AND I HAD BOTH POPPED SLEEPING PILLS WHICH WE PROMPTLY SPIT OUT WHEN THOSE FAGGOTS ACTUALLY SHOWED UP AT OUR ROOM! HALF-A-GAME OF SPIN-THE-BOTTLE LATER, ONE OF MY GIRLS WAS IN THE BATHROOM HAVING SEVEN-MINUTES OF HEAVEN (THAT LASTED TIL 7 AM!) WITH THE BAR-BACK AND DAD AND I WERE GETTING THE MOST INSANE SIMULTANEOUS BLOWIE FROM THE OTHER BARTENDER, WHO WAS STILL PRETTY HOT IN SPITE OF HIS INSANE DICK PIERCING (WHICH CLACKED ON MY TEETH A BUNCH, SO I GAVE UP, WHICH WAS OK, BECAUSE SHE WAS A POWER BOTTOM), THE WHOLE TIME WHILE JOSHY WAS SITTING IN THE CORNER TEXTING, REFUSING TO PARTICIPATE!!! LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN FOR A 4WAY WITH SOME STRANGERS (ACTUALLY, I AM, BUT WHATEVS) BUT, LIKE, DO YOU REALLY WANNA SIT IN THE CORNER AND TEXT WHILE YOUR COWORKER BLOWS TWO DUDES? FINALLY, BOTTOMS WAS LIKE, "DUDE, JOSH, YOU CAN GO, WE BOTH HAVE OUR CARS HERE," AND SHE BOUNCED! SO WEIRD. AFTER WE BOTH CAME SHE STARTED BEGGING TO GET FUCKED, WHICH WAS NOT HAPPENING AS WE WERE PASSING OUT, AND LITTLE DID WE KNOW SHE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM TO GET FUCKED BY BAR BACK!

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M DOING THIS WEEKEND ANY JUSTICE. I'M KIND OF HUNGOVER STILL, MY PEE'S BEEN BURNIN', JUST TRUST THAT SACRAMENTO IS REALLY COOL! PEOPLE THERE ARE DOWN AND REALLY WEIRD. THERE MUST BE LIKE SPEED IN THE WATER OR SOMETHING?


BITCHY LITTLE BARTENDER FROM THE MERCANTILE




I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THIS. FACES MAYBE?





BROKE ANOTHER WALGREENS CAMERA, BUT GOT A NEW ONE FREE

2 comments:

  1. ladyy gagaggaga hahahha!! good one!!

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  2. BEST WEEKEND EVER. Oh wait, this past weekend in Guerneville might be the new best weekend ever.

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