I attempted this “Master Cleanse” once before, in 2005. At the time, I THOUGHT my life was more stable than it had ever been: I had a boyfriend who cooked homemade chicken fingers, biannual dental checkups to the date, and a pair of “EDITOR PANTS” from that mall store Express that I wore to my receptionist job every day. But this notion of “HAVING SHIT TOGETHER”-ness was blown the fuck out of the water when I decided it would be cool, fun, and tasty for my last pre-cleanse meal to be ALL ORANGE, meaning Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese, generic Walgreens soda and Reese’s peanut butter cups (because the packaging counted?!?). Anyway, I got violently ill on the first day of the diet, vomiting and shitting like a quaint childhood sprinkler (but double-sided), and ended up ordering a pizza at midnight.

“It just wasn’t for me,” I lied to everyone who asked.

BUT THIS TIME I DID IT. ALL TEN DAYS. And I kept a journal of the whole experience, which I’ll post here over the next ten days. So you can all be inspired by me when managing those pesky, dimpled, hate-handle obscured waistlines!!!!! Unless of course, you’re doing it for health, like I did (no you’re not).


1 comment:

  1. I love you so much! Like, you really have no idea how much you've impacted my life. I met your BF at a show and we talked dreamily about you for an hour.

    I'm trying to be vague as not to give away your identity, but, I <3333 you.