7.21.2009

TRAGIC KINGDOM

I WENT TO SAN DIEGO AND L.A. THIS WEEKEND AND MY CAMERA'S WEREN'T HAVING IT, AND MY MEMORY WAS DEFINITELY NOT HAVING IT, BUT I GOT HOME YESTERDAY AND CHECKED MY EMAIL AND MY HOROSCOPES FOR THURS - SUNDAY WERE SO SPOT ON THAT I THOUGHT I COULD JUST FLESH THE WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YOU, AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT.

"Does your love life need some fresh energy? Now is the time to heat things up -- your amazing personal style is perfect for spending time with your sweetie or getting out there and finding someone new!"

TODAY I GOT FULL GOD DAMN SERVICE. WEARING PARTICULARLY SEVERE DRAG I GOT NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE BLOW JOBS FROM TWO GUYS, ONE A STUFFY QUEEN THE OTHER A FUCKING HOT STRAIGHT DUDE (AFTER THE HOTTEST STUFF POPPERS EVER PRESIDED OVER IN MY RECENT MEMORY, AFTER WHICH HE TOLD ME IT WAS THE FIRST BJ HE EVER GAVE, ME AND SWEETIE TEAMED UP WITH HIM AN HOUR LATER SO THAT HE COULD GIVE HIS SECOND AND THIRD! WORK!). THEN A JOHNNY KNOXVILLE DUDE WITH HUUUGE BALLS SLEPT NEXT TO US. THINGS WERE DEFINITELY HEATED! THANKS SAN DIEGO! THANKS PERSONAL STYLE!

"Your mind is intimately tied up with your heart, and today that is even more obvious than usual. It's a great time for you to share interests with your partner, or meet someone through unusual means."

TODAY I MET CHRIS, AT A PLACE WHERE MY MIND AND HEART OFTEN LEAD ME LIKE A YOKE OF OXEN PULLING AN ANXIOUS PLOW, STOMPING AROUND SANTA MONICA IN PINK HEELS AND A BLUE SATIN SLIP DRESS -- MCDONALDS, ON THE BOARDWALK. IT WAS LIKE PRETTY WOMAN. TONGUES LAGGED, KIDS CRIED, AND CHRIS, THE HOT CHOLO -- WHO WASN'T EVEN MY CASHIER, HE WAS TWO STANDS OVER!!! -- TOLD ME I LOOKED "VERY NICE" AND THAT HE LIKED MY "HAIR." THEN, SOME TWEAKER WHO STUMBLED INTO THE BATHROOM AND STARTED MUMBLING, "OH SHIT, SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE MEN'S ROOM!!!" SHOUTED, "THAT'S HOT!" WHEN HE FIGURED OUT THAT IT WAS, IN FACT, THE MEN'S ROOM. I WAS FEELING GOOD!

"You don't have time to ponder or bemoan your fate -- just take care of today's big problem (it comes late in the day) and move on. You should feel much better once you're past it for good."

I GUESS BY LATE IN THE DAY YOU MEAN AT 9 AM THE NEXT MORNING, AFTER I DRANK A CUP OF MELTED WHITE CHEESE AND A SMALL CARAFE OF MAPLE SYRUP (WHICH COST, LIKE, $60 -- THE STANDARD IS SO CHIC!) AND FREAKED OUT ON MY NEW DANISH DADDY FOR CLOCKING MY BOYFRIEND IN THE BALLS AT THE SAME TIME AS HE WAS TOUCHING MY NAKED BONER. IT WAS HELLOV AWKWARD AS I TRIED TO EXPLAIN MY SQUEAMISHNESS ABOUT VIOLENCE TO SOMEONE IN A BLACKOUT WHOSE ENGLISH HAD TOTALLY LEFT THE BUILDING AT THAT POINT, AND I FELT REALLY BAD, BUT I THINK HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME NOW?! SO I FEEL BETTER!

"Your health is just a bit more delicate than you realize -- it may be time for a checkup, or just a positive step like an extra walk or more fresh veggies. You're in the right place to take care of it!"

IN-N-OUT BURGER. I FUCKED THIS ONE UP. I HAD FEVERISH DREAMS IN THE CAR THAT MY HOT SALIVATING MOUTH WAS THE FIRST SIGNS OF ME TURNING INTO A GIANT SKINLESS GRILLED COW. I FEEL LIKE MY BODY IS FILING FOR DIVORCE FROM ME.

I GUESS SOME OTHER STUFF HAPPENED TOO. PARTY IN A HUGE MANSION, GOT PAID FOR DOING CLOSE-TO-NOTHING AT SOME TWEAKY GARDEN PARTY, GOT SCREAMED IN MY FACE, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET CALLED A FAGGOT EVERYWHERE YOU GO!" (THAT WAS AMAZING, BTW), GOT A PEDICURE, CRIED READING SYLVESTER'S BIOGRAPHY WHILE MY FEET WERE UNDER THE DRYER, ETC. BUT WHATEVER. XO.

P.S. I GUESS I QUIT POPPERS FOR AWHILE CUZ THEY STOPPED WORKING FOR ME! SUCK IT.

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