12.07.2009

LONE STAR

SO I GOT BACK FROM A TRIP TO AUSTIN, TEXAS ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON, THEN PROCEEDED TO VOMIT AND SHIT OUT A VARIETY OF LIQUIDS. THE FIRST VOMIT WAS PINK, THE SECOND KIND OF GOLDEN AND THE SHIT WAS BROWN. I BLAME VEGGIE CURRY, RED WINE AND BRITISH AIRWAYS. BUT I GOT MY PHOTOS DEVELOPED, AND MY GOD I NEED TO LEARN TO USE ACTUAL CAMERAS SOON (LIKE I NEVER DID WHEN IT WAS PART OF MY EDUCATION) BECAUSE SOME OF THE MOST PRECIOUS ONES DID NOT EVEN COME OUT.

I WAS GOING TO STAY WITH MY EX, WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD BECAUSE LAST TIME I SAW HIM WE WERE A COUPLE AND I WAS CRYING HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE HE WAS GOING BACK TO LIVE IN THE USA. BUT I GOT THERE AND WE WENT ALONG PRETTY MUCH NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FACT WE USED TO BE A COUPLE (KIND OF LIKE WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER), SO MY MIND GOT A BIT FUCKED.


THIS IS DOWNTOWN AUSTIN, AND IT'S A FUCKING SEGWAY TOUR. I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW DEEP AND TRUE MY HATRED FOR SEGWAY USERS IS. THE IDEA OF A GROUP OF THEM, GOING ON A TOUR, IN A ROAD, IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME RECONSIDER EVERYTHING. MY EX TOLD ME HE ONCE SAW A LADY LYING ON THE GROUND NEXT TO AN OVERTURNED SEGWAY WITH PARAMEDICS AROUND HER. GOOD.


THIS WAS ON THE WAY TO SPEND THANKSGIVING IN ROCKPORT, TEXAS. IT'S A WATERTOWER IN THE SHAPE OF A WATERMELON. THERE ARE SO MANY SMALL TOWNS WITH SO LITTLE IN THEM IN THE USA THAT THEY CAN THEME THEIR WHOLE IDENTITY AROUND ONE FRUIT, LIKE THIS TOWN DID. WATERMELON BLOODY EVERYWHERE.


THIS IS ME EATING MY FIRST THANKSGIVING MEAL. LOOK AT HOW SMART I AM! THIS WAS WITH MY EX'S MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER, WHICH GAVE THE STRANGE ILLUSION OF BEING HIS BOYFRIEND AGAIN. I WAS SO SURE I WAS JUST GOING TO GET FAT ON THIS HOLIDAY, BECAUSE ALL AMERICANS EAT BIZARRELY (GET THAT MAPLE SYRUP OFF YOUR BACON), BUT ACTUALLY I ATE SUCH TINY AMOUNTS OF FOOD THAT I THINK MY METABOLISM SPEEDED UP. LOOK AT THAT PLATE; I PROBABLY ATE TWO BITES OF EACH THING AND WAS THEN FULL. SPECIAL MENTION GOES TO P. TERRY'S FRIES, LOS CAMALES' QUESADILLA AND FROZEN MANGO MARGHERITAS (HOUSEWIFE GURL) AND BITE MI'S VIETNAMESE SANDWICHES. I WAS SO WORRIED MY EX'S GRANDMOTHER WAS GOING TO PUT MARSHMALLOWS ON TOP OF THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE.


WE WENT TO A WILDLIFE RESERVE AND I TOOK THIS PICTURE OF A GATOR, BUT I WISH TO FUCK I'D WAITED, BECAUSE SHORTLY AFTER THIS, A 15 YR OLD GIRL CALLED HALEY, SITTING WITH HER FAMILY ON THE EDGE OF THE PIER, ANNOUNCED SHE WAS GOING TO WRESTLE IT. HER FAMILY VAGUELY TRIED TO DISCOURAGE HER, MOSTLY BY SAYING 'THAT OTHER ONE WAS A LOT SMALLER', BUT HALEY (WEARING COWBOY BOOTS, JEANS, A HARLEY DAVIDSON T-SHIRT (NO LESS) AND WITH BADLY DYED BLACK HAIR) KEPT EDGING CLOSER TO THE THING. WE STOOD THERE KIND OF LAUGHING, KIND OF THINKING SHE'S ACTUALLY GOING TO GET MAULED. WE WALKED AWAY BECAUSE WE DOUBTED HER COMMITMENT, BUT LATER I LOOKED OVER USING THE TELESCOPE ON A BIRD WATCHING POST AND SAW PEOPLE TAKING PICTURES AND CHUCKLING SO I GUESS SHE GOT THE FUCKING THING. HALEY, YOU ARE TEXAS' GREATEST TREASURE.

I DRANK BEER THIS HOLIDAY, BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXPENSIVE. THIS LEAD TO THE BUTCHEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE, DOWNING TWO CANS OF LONE STAR WHILE WEARING A HARDCORE BEANIE, LEVIS AND A LLOYD COLE T-SHIRT. AT A GIG! I ALSO DRANK TWO BOTTLES OF WINE WHEN I HAD TO SPEND MY LAST NIGHT WATCHING MY EX AND HIS NEW BEAU STUDYING. I WAS FULLY EXPECTING TO BECOME EVEN MORE MISERABLE AND BELLIGERENT BUT SOMEHOW I GOT VERY HAPPY. I WISH I WASN'T SENSIBLE. SO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT AND RUN OFF INTO THE NIGHT OR SHOUTED OR SOMETHING, BUT I JUST TRIED TO BE FRIENDLY AND REASONABLE WITH EVERYONE. IT MAY BE BETTER IN THE LONG RUN BUT IT'S NOT VERY FUCKING CATHARTIC.

MY PENIS SHRANK ON HOLIDAY AND I HAD EXACTLY 0 ORGASMS (HE'S NOT THAT KIND OF EX) BUT WHEN I GOT BACK I SAW MY BOY AND HAD THREE OF THE EASIEST, HOTTEST EJACULATIONS EVER. EVER SINCE THEN I HAVE FELT LIKE BIZARRELY POTENT AND SEXUAL. IT'S LIKE I FORGOT ABOUT BONERS AND HAVE JUST REDISCOVERED THEM. I'M GETTING ONE NOW ACTUALLY.

HERE'S MY SUITCASE THERE AND MY SUITCASE BACK.

3 comments:

  1. The candles you brought back, I found a voodoo website that sells them exclusively. I wanted to buy all... and have truck-loads of luck, wealth, sex and love. Plus, they're just cool. May they bring to you what you seek most.

    http://www.neworleansmistic.com/candles

    I do find your take on Thanksgiving amusing. I hate it... eat as little as possible.

    And last. Segways. I agree!

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  2. your suitcase is VERY neatly packed, it's kind of amazing...

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  3. fuck that I eat til I puke it's the only holiday that makes sense to me

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