3.11.2010

CALL ME CUNTY AND HACKNEYED IF YOU MUST, AND YOU MUST, IT MUST BE YOU THAT SAYS IT, BUT I JUST WATCHED THE NEW LADY GAGA FEATURING BEYONCE VIDEO FOR THE RODNEY JERKINS PRODUCED SONG 'TELEPHONE' AND IT HAS SHUFFLED MY INSIDES LIKE A GIANT DICK. IF YOU'RE A DOUBTER, LET ME LIST THE KEY POINTS:

1. THE GUARDS ARE TRANS
2. SOMEONE SAYS 'YOU'RE GONNA SWIM OUTTA HERE IN YOUR OWN BLOOD BITCH' - IT SOUNDS LIKE BRONTEZ PURNELL
3. 'I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T HAVE A DICK' 'TOO BAD'
4. GLASSES MADE OUT OF CIGARETTES... WHICH ARE SMOKING. IF I COULD DO EXTRA CAPLOCKS I WOULD, OH WAIT I CAN DO THEM BOLD. GLASSES MADE OUT OF CIGARETTES... WHICH ARE SMOKING.
5. SHE MAKES OUT WITH THE HOT BUTCH GIRL
6. SHE GETS HER CROTCH FELT UP
7. COKE CAN HAIR CURLERS
8. THE AMOUNT OF CHOLA BADNESS IN THIS PRISON
9. THE BLACK GIRL WITH THE SHAVED BLONDE HEAD AND THE SKULL AND CROSS BONES ON HER LEATHER TANK. YES, HER LEATHER TANK.
10. THE FIGHT IS BRUTAL, AND CONDUCTED BY ONE GIANT IN A TINY WEENY FRINGE BOLERO AND A TINY BADASS IN WHITE BOOTS. ALSO CHECK THE HAIR ON THE FIRST GIRL WHO NOTICES. ITS LIKE A COUPLE OF NEMATODE WORMS WRIGGLING OUT THROUGH HER SKULL.
11. THE WAY GAGA THROWS THE PHONE AWAY AND STARTS HARD DANCING
12. SHORT HAIR GAGA
13. HER EXITING OUTFIT, COUPLE WITH THE LITTLE SOFT SHOE SHUFFLE SHE DOES ON THE WAY OUT
14. THE AMOUNT OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT, WHICH BECOMES PRETTY CLOSE TO A COMPLETE PARODY OF ITSELF
15. BEYONCE FEEDS HER A SANDWICH
16. GAGA SAYS 'MOTHERFUCKER'
17. BEYONCE HAS A TINY YELLOW COWBOY HAT ON AND HER BREASTS LOOK LIKE SPHERES
18. 'LETS MAKE A SANDWICH'
19. YELLOW HAIR
20. TELEPHONE MADE OUT OF HAIR OVER ONE EYE
21. THAT FOOD LOOKS REALLY GOOD
22. BEYONCE ASSUMES THE MICKEY MOUSE SHADES, IN A SYMBOLIC EXCHANGE OF ROLES
23. THE DINER CHOREOGRAPHY IS BANGING ME OUT
24. I COULD WATCH THESE JIGGLING THREE-FRAME SHOTS OF BEYONCE IN THE MOTEL ROOM FOR PROBABLY ABOUT AN HOUR EACH
25. THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SHROUD DRESSES AAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH
26. BEYONCE'S NUDE LIPS AT THE END
27. IT ENDS WITH A WIPE USING THE FEMALE SYMBOL

6 comments:

  1. that video brought me to tears...haha i guess everything does BUT STILL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. girl shes feeding her a fucking 50 cent honey bun...................like damn yall

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm gonna be kind of a bitch right now and call you out on a few things. 1) everyone saw that video, you don't need to recap really obvious moments from it. We know. 2) Beyonce feeds her a HONEY BUN from the bodega, not a sandwich. 3) Those shroud looks at the end are BUDGET, you can see the seams falling apart and it's embarrassing (not punk). 4) the coke can hair curlers have been done, Naomi Campbell did it. Just another thing Gaga is co-opting without any context. 5) that motherfucker line sucked. The writing in general was terrible. 6) Those cigarette sunglasses looked really busted and arts & crafts. 7) Alexis you should fire this person for blogging about a Lady Gaga music video.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Patrik, I really mean it when I say I want you dead.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Also, a note: I am from England and have no idea what a honey bun is.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i agree with jamie, patrik, gtfo. honey/cinnamon buns are fucking gross.

    ReplyDelete