3.19.2010

IT'S ALL COMING BACK...

...ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. TWO STORIES.

SO, I'VE BEEN READING THIS WEIRD BOOK ABOUT A JESUIT MISSION INTO SPACE (IT'S KIND OF LIKE CONTACT MEETS AVATAR IF IT WAS DIRECTED BY MEL GIBSON), AND WHILE I FIND IT A LITTLE INSIPID, AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF IT'S TRYING TO AFFIRM BELIEF IN GOD OR DISPROVE IT, THEY SUGGEST AT THE BEGINNING THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER, THIS SEXY LATINO PRIEST WHO TALKS ABOUT MASTURBATING AND SHIT, EVENTUALLY ENDS UP MAIMED AND SODOMIZED OVER AND OVER IN A BROTHEL ON AN ALIEN PLANET, SO...IN THE INTERESTS OF READING THAT PART, I'VE STUCK WITH IT. BUT IT'S HELLA DEPRESSING, AND GIVES ME WEIRD DREAMS. IT WILL PROBABLY AFFECT WHAT I WEAR TONIGHT. BUT WHATEVER. LATINO PRIEST (WHO I IMAGINE TO LOOK LIKE MARK CONSUELOS, OBV) FUCKED IN THE ASS BY ALIENS. HOW CAN I SAY NO?

THE SECOND STORY IS ABOUT THIS GUY (THE ONE IN THE BACK):
SO, I'M PEEING AT 440 (FORMERLY DADDIES, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CHANGED IT, IT'S REALLY THE ONLY PLACE WITH HOT GUYS IN THE CASTRO, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL KIND OF DADDIES, THOUGH I MEAN HOT KIND OF MARGINALLY), AT A TROUGH, WHICH POLITELY STANDS TWO, AND DUDE STORMS UP AND SQUEEZES IN BETWEEN US, SCREAMING THAT HE HAS TO PEE, WHICH IS NO T TO EITHER OF US, THE MORE DICKS THE MERRIER, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE ACTION A QUEEN LIKE ME IS GONNA GET IN A DADDY BAR ON A NORMAL NIGHT, ANYWAY. SO THE OTHER DUDE GOES TO PUT HIS DICK AWAY, THEN WHIPS IT BACK OUT, LIKE, "OOPS" AND WE ALL LAUGH, LIKE, OH YOU WEREN'T DONE? A RARE MOMENT OF MALE COMRADERY, AND HE'S LIKE, "AH, THE WORST IS WHEN I DO THAT IN WHITE SILK SHORTS, AND YOU GET A BIG LINE DOWN THEM." AND I TOTALLY CONCURR, BECAUSE I DO THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME, SO I'M LIKE, "YEA, I HATE WHEN I'M IN A LIGHT COLORED MINI AND THAT HAPPENS," AND THEN CREEP IN THE MIDDLE, LOOKS AT BOTH OF US AND GOES, "EW! THAT'S FUCKING GROSS! I ALWAYS FINISH BEFORE I PUT IT AWAY!" AND STORMS OUT! SO, THAT'S FUNNY, AND THEN HE STORMS INTO THE GO-GO CAGE AND STARTS HUMPING THIS GO-GO SO INSANE, I HAD TO CAPTURE THE TENDER MOMENT BETWEEN THEM. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY KNEW EACH OTHER, BUT I WAS JUST SERIOUSLY LOVING HOW INTO HIMSELF HE WAS, DOWN TO TAKING OFF HIS PANTS AND GRINDING HIS PACKAGE (WHICH WASN'T EVEN ALL THAT, IF I REMEMBER RIGHT, AND NEITHER WAS HIS BODY, REALLY, TOTALLY USED TO BE FAT, THEN BOUGHT A BOWFLEX FOR HIS 35TH BIRTHDAY) ALL OVER THE GO-GO'S ASS (IN WHATEVER SICK LYCRA BULLSHIT HE WAS IN) IN THE WAY THAT YOU COULD JUST SEE HOW HIS INNER MONOLOGUE WAS LIKE, "FUCK YEAH, I'M SO GOOD AT FUCKING, LOOK AT ME, THIS IS HOW I FUCK, I TURN TOPS INTO BOTTOMS, FUCK YEAH." I DUNNO. I THOUGHT IT WAS GENIUS. I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE VOICE REVULSION AND I LOVE WHEN THEY ACT CRAZY. SO ST. PATRICK'S DAY WAS A SMASHING SUCCESS, FOR SOMEBODY AT LEAST. THAT'S ALL I GOT, THE REST OF THIS SHIT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS - A WEIRD QUEEN IN HALF-DRAG TAKING PICTURES OF A BUNCH OF DRAG QUEENS. THIS IS MY LIFE.














THIS WAS TO TAYLOR SWIFT, JUST FYI!



YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN PUTTING A MICROWAVE DINNER ON A PLATE? WHEN YOU GIVE UP ON THE PLATE ALL TOGETHER.

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