4.09.2010

LONELY COW

SO NOW ALL I DO IS SIT AT WORK AND TRY TO OUT MY COLLEAGUES. EVEN THE STRAIGHT ONES. THEY'VE ALL GOT SOMETHING GOING ON. I SPEND MY DAYS HALF WORKING AND HALF CHECKING TWITTER FOR NICKI MINAJ NEWS, AND THAT AIN'T EVEN A LIE, AND I SPEND MY LUNCHTIME READING PROUST IN A KITCHEN THAT ABSOLUTELY STINKS OF RANCID MICROWAVED FOOD. I MEAN, I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE CAN STAND NEXT TO THAT MACHINE, LET ALONE EAT FROM IT. IT DOESN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE FOOD. LUCKILY MY ROCKABILLY FRIEND COMES OVER TO LEAVE CHARITY BUNS THERE, WHAT IS THE PDSA ANYWAY? I THINK IT'S ANIMALS OR MAYBE KIDS, EITHER WAY, I GUESS MY 50P SUGGESTED DONATION IS DOING SOMETHING GOOD, OR AT LEAST BETTER THAN MAKING MY SHOULDER BAG VERY SLIGHTLY HEAVIER. THE MORE WEIGHT I CAN LOSE THE FASTER I CAN RUN HOME COME 17.00 (THAT'S FIVE PM IF YOU'RE NOT A EUROPEAN).

MY EVENINGS ARE SPENT IN FRONT OF THE TV OR AT THE GYM, WHICH I'M NOT EVEN ASHAMED OF, I LIKE IT. I FEEL A LITTLE TUBBY NEXT TO ALL THEM BUFF BASTARDS BUT I FEEL LIKE MY SEPTUM PIERCING EXCUSES ME A BIT, LIKE "OH NO, I'M NOT JUST A SOFT-BODIED GAY, I'M A PUNK!". THE COMBINATION OF GREASY NOWHERE-LENGTH HAIR, CREASED'N'MUSTY H&M BARGAIN T-SHIRT, SWIMMING SHORTS, T. K. MAXX TRAINERS AND A GLIMMERING CIRCULAR BARBELL IN THE HONK MAKES ME A STRIKING FIGURE ON THE GYM FLOOR, I CAN TELL YOU. I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE THERE, BUT I DON'T THINK ANYONE IS CHECKING MY GOODS OUT, AND ANYWAY, MOST OF THEM ARE A 50/50 MIX OF INTIMIDATING AND LAME. LIKE, YOU WEAR A GREY VELOUR/FLOCKED-ASS SECOND-SKIN KIND OF TOP, AND SURE I CAN SEE YOUR MUSCLES IN INTIMATE DETAIL, BUT YOU'RE WEARING A FUCKING SECOND-SKIN, FURRY-LOOKING RIBBED/CONTOURED TOP, AND YOU'VE GOT TRACKIE BOTTOMS WITH IT, YOU HAG. ARE YOU NOT REALLY HOT ANYWAY? OH NO, BECAUSE YOU DO 10 REPS THEN SIT STILL FOR 20 MINUTES, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL YOUR MUSCLES. GET OUT THE WAY AND LET THE CHUNKY PEOPLE ON THAT ABDOMINAL CRUNCHER. I BET SMALL CHILDREN STROKE YOUR TOP AND DON'T EVEN REALISE IT'S YOUR LATS QUIVERING UNDER THEIR TINY HANDS.

SO I GET TO SEE A BIT OF DICK IN THE CHANGING ROOMS BUT IT JUST REMINDS ME THAT FLACCID PENISES ARE DEEPLY BORING TO ME. UNLESS THEY'RE LIKE UP CLOSE OR SOMETHING, OR SNUGGLED IN UNDERWEAR. EITHER WAY, SEMI'S ARE NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME IN THERE, OR ANYWHERE, THEY'RE A BLESSING IN FACT. I SOMEHOW ENDED UP WALKING AROUND THE OFFICE WITH ONE YESTERDAY, I COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO COVER IT UP. AS FAR AS THEY KNOW I JUST HAVE A REALLY FAT COCK ALL THE TIME.

2 comments: