I had a roommate once who made out with the neighbor's dog during a drunken semi-orgy. When I said, "Brett, what are you doing?!" He looked up without opening his eyes and screamed, "Somebody get this dog a breath mint!" I've lived with so many crazy people. I was probably too callous to his feeble suicide attempts, his depressed ministrations, the knife flailing, all of that. The whole house smelled like his dirty cum rags and I taped dryer sheets to the heating vents in my room. We had free gas that year so we cranked the thermostat as high as it would go and basked in a weird sauna of a filthy apartment while it was 0 degrees and icing over the snow outside. We laughed at the girls that Brett brought home but there was something really carnal and sexual about him that I always responded to. We kissed more than a handful of times and I thought about crawling into bed with him a lot, he was so big. That's fucking weird. I loved him then and still do in some way. I wonder where he is.

I also came to this conclusion that I will probably not sever my relationship with my parents. I mean you really just have to deal with the cards that life deals you. They both have real jobs for the first time in awhile so they offer me some money and stuff in case of emergencies, which is funny, and I told my mom that's the first time I've ever heard that and she balked as if it weren't true. But they keep trying to tempt me with plane tickets. I absolutely refuse to do Thanksgiving or Christmas though, no more Kansas City winters for me. I get depressed enough going there in the summer, shit.

And the girl that had a baby with this guy that I slept with for a month because he was friends with Brett and came to stay with us (they all three lived in Brett's mother's basement for a summer because Brett had lost their rent money from the apartment they all shared at one time...), just messaged me a swastika, twice in a week she's done that. Wonder what she means? Wonder how her kid is? I think it lives with her parents. The dad, Kenny, I always want to rekindle something with, we've spoken on the phone a few times, he lives in Milwaukee but he's a junkie, he said he would come out here to get clean but I really don't want a junkie staying with me while he's getting clean. He was so sexy though. I think me and his step-brother were the only guys he'd ever been with at the time. I remember him holding me on the couch, cooking for me, huffing canned air. I was in love with my best friend at the time and also too stressed out by the realities of this adult man with a kid and all this stuff so I sort of blew him off, always felt bad about that. Maybe he'll get clean and move here and we'll get married. I hope he gets clean at least.

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