Masturbation has become so singularly depressing because I just absolutely hate porn. It's the worst. I find myself going back to a book-marked search of "broke straight boys" over and over because anything that comes up under that query, including the eponymous Broke Straight Boys videos, is always updated and so there's a lot of new stuff every time I click that but why why why is this what I need to see to get a boner and jack off?! I mean I guess living in a city and existing in a vague internet circle where bears and hair and all this shit is very of the moment, it's cool that I'm a cross-dressing twink jacking off to videos of weird twinks paid to pretend to be straight, but like...I dunno. It's bumming me out. Ejaculating has become such a chore, like, just do it so that you don't feel like you have to corner someone in the bathroom at the drag show and do it on them (though that often just happens anyway). The only thing that I really respect that gets me off is a comic in an old issue of Handjobs where a father and son get abducted by aliens and hypnotized into fooling around, or this magnum opus of a father and son incest story that I've literally been reading over and over since I was 14, but those have both gotten a little old (that reminds me, I gotta write this author some fan-mail, this story has been such a mainstay for me for over 10 years now, so insane.) Maybe I should go back to my favorite porn as a teen - the mirror in my parents bathroom. I would stare at my scrawny weird little self for hours getting off just on the sheer thrill of being naked. It gets a little less thrilling when you're next-to-naked on stage 3 times a week, I guess.

The flip-side of the chore of jacking off is the chore of taking guys home, which invariably happens on the nights that I have to work in the morning, I'm already completely hammered and all I really want to do is jack off while we kiss (if they're lucky) or actually barely touch at all. I'm such an Aquarian, I mean I can top pretty much anything that will submit to it but it feels gross, I don't wanna do that in my bed, my sheets are white and I actually just want to sleep right now and no you can't stay over. I dunno the whole thing seems very weird right now. I wonder, as I meander deeper and deeper into the weird second-hand store in the collective soul that is spirituality, should I be harnessing my kundulini energy for something else? If I stop ejaculating will I be able to ejaculate eldritch bolts from my eyes whenever I feel that disgusting need to put someone down with a pointed stare? One of the kings in the White Serpent could do it, and I've had more than enough epiphanies on drugs where things in those and all of Tanith Lee's other books became a very real part of this loose melange of drag and drugs and music that I call my reality.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Anyway here's more pictures of my very own broke straight boyfriend from last week's on drag/drug bender. I could probably jack off to these right now.

1 comment:

  1. hey man,

    although i'm more of an xtube type of guy, i've felt the same way about masturbation for about two years now. i definitely think you should use your energy towards spiritual growth. our planet/species is totally ascending right now and i think we need to be wise with our sexual energy. porn is becoming redundant for me and a bit gross to be honest. sometimes i hate that i need really dirty things to turn me on (daddy/son) so i started to investigate these feelings and i truly believe there is a mind control agenda in gay pornography. its effect on the psyche can be quite disturbing. have you looked into tantra? i think involving all levels of our spirit when having sex and even masturbating can be very rewarding. beyond orgasmic. i also think you should continue masturbating to UFO stories or perhaps even old paintings, sculptures, and films (non porn). its unusual but i feel pure when i do that. exploring eroticism in art and human nature is all that matters. when masturbation feels like a chore, its time to reevaluate your inner self. what is it you are really looking for? don't settle for less and don't give in to quick and easy. our energies are much too delicate at the moment. the old third dimensional paradigm and its regard to sex and pleasure is over. move forward. listen to your heart. cheers :)