8.22.2012

























It's been almost 3 years since my one and only life-altering break-up. The bad parts of that relationship I laugh at, the good parts are hazy. Most days it feels like it didn't happen, regardless of the indelible mark that he and that relationship left on the course of my life. I'm watching some friends go through similar experiences, break-ups small and grand, all dramatic, of relationships of a few months to years, both clearly outlined and vaguely nebulous and I'm just sick about the way everyone gives themselves license to act in these situations.

Confession: A lot of the reason I was dumped after 2.5+ years with that dude was because of the abusive way I acted when I was drunk. Being confronted with that fact forced me to confront a lot of facts about my childhood and adolescence and, whether my intentions were pure self-betterment or a selfish "Please take me back" kind of thing, I confronted this problem head on. I took a lot of mushrooms, drank a lot of alcohol, and spent a lot of long, shitty nights staring myself in the mirror literally and figuratively, confronting this deep, unchartable well of rage that lives within me, within my father and mother, and probably within everyone to some extent. We're none of us that different after all. That sucked, but for the most part, 3 years later I have a fairly tenuous self-control even while blacked out wasted, I don't pick fights anymore and I don't fly into violent rages. As bitchy as I can be my intentions have purified. I want the best for most.

I'm only saying this to say, yeah, I get it, I'm no angel, and I get being shitty to your significant other. People will do things in love they wouldn't dare do to their mortal enemy with a clear conscious, but the intensity of that particular emotion stirs up such a hubris in us that any and everything feels justified. And maybe it is.

But once it's over...Just stop it. Stop with this god damned high school bullshit. Don't make your friends pick sides. Don't say nasty things about them. Be nice. Deal with your emotions. Ride that horrible wave of loneliness and despair and prove to yourself that you can swim on your own and emerge victorious and beautiful and triumphant. All of this he said she said I can't see my ex don't you dare fucking talk to him I would never be friends with this person god damned BULLSHIT. Just STOP IT. If you exist as a part of counter-culture, you live this fucked up weird alternative life style that I do, you're not doing yourself any favors by mimicking the popular kids in high school and your parents. Make peace with your ex and let the anger go and move the fuck on so that the rest of us can quit dealing with your god damn break up.

If that guy who I abused and who accused me of ruining his life and who ruined mine too but neither of us mean that, he and I are pals. We hang out when we're in the same town and we can text about guys or any other bullshit. If you let someone love you once, let them love you forever cuz there are enough people in this world who want to shit on you, you might as well keep the one who knows the most about you in your good graces.

Ok I'm done preaching. I think I have an STD I've never had, cute! xo

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