(A lot of beautiful texts have come across my path on my way lately, and always, about different things, and I’ve been posting them on Fazebook but I wanted to share them here collated together with kind of an update on where I’ve come through this journey, and also some pieces of conversations I've been having on the 'Book ((sorry for that lol)) that I thought were pertinent, and I’ll keep trying to do that, and also keep trying to delve back into the important texts that have shaped me in the day where I now see myself to have been groping along in darkness, probably wearing sunglasses too.)

"In Life's name and for Life's sake, I assert that I will employ the Art which is its gift in Life's service alone, rejecting all other usages. I will guard growth and ease pain. I will fight to preserve what grows and lives well in its own way; and I will change no object or creature unless its growth and life, or that of the system of which it is part, are threatened. To these ends, in the practice of my Art, I will put aside fear for courage, and death for life, when it is right to do so -- till Universe's end."

-The Wizard's Oath, Diane Duane

Oh sweet Jesus bright son of the eternal Goddess where do I start? I’m just going to try and catch up with what’s happened. 

So I teach yoga now. And somehow through all that, as possessed as I was by the idea of leaving the restaurant industry, after nearly 12 strange and beautiful and soul-flaying and life-enabling hard hard hard hard years, by the time I finished my course at the end of December, which is one of the most important things I’ve ever done, I really had come around to really loving the restaurant I was managing. I mean, not so functionally, the food was shit, I worked for and with some real psychopaths, but having so many people depend on me, feeling that external validation of making this big hourly and really just having all this responsibility while also so much freedom and flexibility, it was really working for me. I paid off my credit cards, I was teaching yoga as an apprentice and just really feeling like I was on the right path. I kept turning all these cards for riches and material wealth and security and I just knew that I was on the way to being rich, stacking up things to pay for, video shoots, all of this mess. And I showed up on a Tuesday and they told me that it would be the last night. They were getting bought out and pulling the plug. And I just have to say there are several layers of trauma to this, having the rug yanked from another thing is just really what it boils down to, I mean I love and miss the people, miss fielding calls and texts from my support staff in Spanish at all hours of the day, miss the weird prestige of professionally dealing with lame celebrities and nouveau rich whatevers, but really it’s just, I weathered losing Grant there, cried in those bathrooms, poured myself into that place and making money and those people as a way to cling to normalcy, to some security and steady, and that’s gone. And I guess that’s the lesson there. What am I looking for? What is this money for? 

Well, it’s for the videos to finish out the Window cycle, and it’s for recording my next record and all of this other stuff, but it’s also for stupid shit that I don’t need, decadent food, loads of online shopping. I find it hard to limit myself because I really find it hard to care about money, and having extra, I know, isn’t going to protect me from any loss of security or health or property. Nothing is going to protect me from death, from my own, from that of my friends, of everyone, and at the end of the day it’s not like that’s wrong, life and death are so inextricable as to almost not beg division, but our lives are structured in such weird and fucked up ways societally, institutionally, that our deaths become traumatic, weird and devastating. 

that's the question I'm addressing here. one of the answers is there is no answer, obviously - why else would we find ourselves born into bodies and forms with such limited sensory abilities? ours is to experience from this perspective, not to see it all. but linguistic, magical, spiritual, emotional, physical, all are valid, substantial perspectives and aspects of the same experience or idea, not contradictory as some need to think at all, and no it really doesn't matter, but by that token it does, it's important that space be held for each of these aspects to flourish, they are all interconnected …”

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others”

― Martha Graham

I hurt myself. After practicing the same style of yoga exclusively for years, and then amping up my practice a ton in the past year, especially in the past 6 months during teacher training, my inner thighs and hamstrings got super stressed out and suddenly found myself in all of this pain. I had to finally see a physical therapist who explained - duh - that I need to vary my movements, branch out in my practice and exercise and find a balance between work and rest. Everything seems so obvious in hindsight. 

I feel my body, current injury notwithstanding, we’re working through it, is in a really good place, but my mind races and whirs and strikes and snaps and careens every which way just as it always did, well maybe not like it was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, there are these startling moment of quiet, of peace, of clarity. I consider my inner realm to be a great ocean, and a lot of times the surface does appear really peaceful and calm, still like glass, probably with a sun rising and setting perpetually in the distance, just beautiful, but I will always be aware of the great beasts swimming at the darkest depths, these giant whales of feeling, so huge as to exist on some totally other plane as everything else, or even deeper, greater, these leviathans, these monsters, dragons, serpents, violent, crazed, angry things, angry for good reason, for powerful reasons, but dangerous all the same.

"People today, raised and programmed on the 'morality' of the contemporary male religions, may find the ancient sexual attitudes and customs disturbing, shocking, or even sacrilegious. Yet we should consider the likelihood that such judgements or reactions are the result of the teaching and conditioning of religious attitudes present in our society, which are themselves based on the ideologies of those who initially and repetitively condemned the sexual customs of the Goddess.
In the worship of the female deity, sex was Her gift to humanity. It was sacred and holy. She was the Goddess of Sexual Love and Procreation. But in the religions of today we find an almost totally reversed attitude. Sex, especially non-martial sex, is considered to be naughty, dirty, even sinful. Yet rather than calling the earliest religions, which embraced such an open acceptance of all human sexuality, 'fertility cults,' we might consider the religions of today as strange in that they seem to associate shame and even win with the very process of conceiving new human life. Perhaps centuries from now scholars and historians will be classifying them as 'sterility cults.'" 
-Merlin Stone, When God Was A Woman

"I have been more focused on the neo-pagan idea of transcending dualities completely, like taking male and female for what they are, and need to be, strictly for certain biological purposes, and leaving them at that, because as much as the universe seems to organize itself around this idea of duality, when you really think about it the question or difference of yin and yang or black and white or ebb and flow really become moot, because you can't have one without the other obviously, why even cast a difference at the end of the day? 1 and 0 are obviously different ideas but you can't have 1 if you don't have 0, and vice versa, also sounds very airy. something that I cite a lot in interviews etc is the idea of the quantum computers they have in development at Google where the chips are actually transistors on these super cold surfaces of liquid nitrogen, that allow the data to pass so slowly over them that they can register not just 1 or 0 at once like a normal computer chip but 1 and 0 simultaneously, exponentially multiplying their computing power but also opening up all these weird ideas of possibilities etc, I've always felt my gender to be something like that, or all genders really, like Schrodinger's cat in a way. Starhawke references quantum theory a lot too as far as the idea of the spiral flow of energy in magic and in the natural order of things, how there is always the ebb and flow of the wave, life and death etc, and how you look at anything one way you see a particle, others a wave, there are just so many myriad ways of seeing the universe, it seems to follow this beautiful natural order like a heart, beating slowly and rapidly, expanding contracting consciousness and energy in and out of form and reality, but of course past that there is bound to be something totally imperceptible that makes up the layers of reality past and beyond and behind and in and out of that, so it just makes me come back to thinking that the idea of duality really is pretty moot, it's an easily applicable lens but I don't really know that it serves us in the esoteric community or in mainstream thought even. I also feel like the idea of yin and yang and more traditionally Eastern cosmologies are also pretty rooted in patriarchal modes of thought, as much as any other traditions, except for actually paganism ... at least that I've found yet. so basically yeah that's how I feel about duality. numerology of course has a lot of power but it's not really the lens I choose, I feel like numbers allow a lot of funny subjective interpretation, not that I'm an anthroposophist by any means, but I feel like even our whole number system is skewed towards one way of thinking."

"I am nature, the universal Mother, mistress of all elements, primordial child of time, sovereign of all things spiritual, queen of the dead, queen also of the immortals, the single manifestation of all gods and goddesses that are. My nod governs the shining heights of heaven, the wholesome sea breezes, the lamentable silences of the world below. Though I am worshipped in many aspects, known by countless names, and propitiated with all manner of different rites, yet the whole round earth venerates me. 

The primeval Phrygians call me Pessinuntica, Mother of the gods; the Athenians sprung from their own soil, call me Cecropian Artemis; for the islanders of Cyprus I am Paphian Aphrodite, for the archers of Crete I am Dictynna; for the tri-lingual Sicilians, Stygian Prosperine; and for the Eleusinians their ancient Mother of Corn. Some know me as Juno, some as Bellona of the Battles; other as Hecate, others again as Rhamnubia, but both races of Aethiopians, whose lands the morning sun shines upon, and the Egyptians who excel in ancient learning and worship me with ceremonies proper to my godhead, call me by my true name, namely Queen Isis."

- Apuleius, "Metamorphoses" (translated by Robert Graves)

  • yeah I mean the flipside is A, it's important for me to emphasize the feminine ideal just based on the time and history we find ourself in and with, and I also think that female allows for kind of everything where male is kind of limited, in this way that may also be an exotification of the feminine ideal as a drag performer and Goddess worshipper, but there is just something really powerful about the ability to sustain life and procreation within one's body, obviously it also grosses me out but whatever. but B, is that, if looking at duality is really important to you than go with it, anybody, I think every language is valid if it's working for whoever is using it in a way that doesn't harm them or others...
    February 12 at 2:51am · Like · 1
  • at the end of the day I think if there were meaning to be found we would already have it. I think ours is to keep asking

Chez Deep got flown to Glasgow last weekend to perform. A dream of mine and all of ours, getting an all-expenses paid trip to another country to share our art and performance for a ready audience, and they were ready, they stood and watched the entire time, not just politey but engaged, totally with us. It was amazing. The weeks leading up were, honestly, traumatic, but beautiful. It seemed every rehearsal needed to turn into a series of interventions for each of us in turn, for the different habits of mind or action that were inhibiting ourselves and thus the group, but when the eye of the group turned on me I couldn’t deal, I ran away like a fucking coward, I attempted to shut down, and I am, well not me, my insane mind is honestly powerful enough that I almost did it, I almost shut it down, closed off, left the group, disbanded, (the logical end to that process being me jumping off a building, at least that’s where my mind goes, not in a practical sense but in a very real and focused intentioned sense, and intentions, whether we act them out literally or not, will always affect action and destiny, in my experience), but Goddess bless it, they wouldn’t let me. They refused to let me shut down, especially after I’d come after each of them in turn, forced them to confront their issues, now it was time to confront mine. It hurt. I am a powerful violent often mean person, just like the air, the sky, I fashion myself so ubiquitous, so ever-present and aware and omniscient and elementally calm, but when the storm gathers, and I start to fling lightning bolts around, that is not elemental, that is pure human, all my fear and hate and anger harnessed to my elemental power, even more so by yoga, by meditation, that’s the scary thing, the “stronger” I get mentally and physically, the more energy I can channel, but where I choose to put that is still coming through my ego, through my shit, and as much as I preach clarity of body, mind, heart and purpose, I am not clear, not yet, and maybe will never be. But right now, I am open, and I am aware, in a way I have never been, of exactly what I need to work on with myself, and I am continually astounded and humbled to find that a group that I ostensibly started, but that really just formed around me, with me, naturally, they are here to support me through this, to support each other, and hopefully show the world this new model of life, of collaboration, of power-within and power-with-eachother, power to sustain life, to create life, to change the world in a new way. 

"The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a long path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace within it, all small children are potential old men, all sucklings have death within them, all dying people - eternal life. [...] Therefore, it seems to me that everything that exists is good - death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my loving understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me. I learned through my body and soul that it was necessary for me to sin, that I needed lust, that I had to strive for property and experience nausea and the depths of despair in order to learn not to resist them, in order to learn to love the world, and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to love it [...] and be glad to belong to it."

- Siddhartha, Herman Hesse

It's slowly striking me that numbers, letters, symbols and words are really cool, interesting, powerful and sometimes beautiful attempts to explain and describe the inexplainable and indescribable - that is, reality as we know it and intersect with it as thinking, feeling, spiritual beings within physical bodies. I think the real reason these maths and languages work so well for us and transcend social and cultural boundaries is that, at the root they are as limited in their ability to ultimately describe as we - all people, everywhere on this planet - are limited in our capacity to perceive with the senses we've been given or developed. I think this is what makes the commonalities we find among language and numbers and modes of expression that pour out of those, like literature and music, so beautiful in spite of the surface variations. It's not that they hold any objective power it's just that they further articulate upon the subjective experience that is living as a human and a body. I won't say there is a reason or isn't, but one thing we can at least hazard with some objectivity is that our senses are very limited, and less commonly agreed on but I believe no less true is that our languages and over-arching thematic ideas and perceptions of what the world, the universe, life is, our cosmologies, are at once enabled by and enable that limited ability to perceive. Just a thought. Carry on.

"The worship of the female deity has for the most part been included as a minor addition to the study of the patterns of religious beliefs in ancient cultures, most writers apparently preferring to discuss periods when male deities had already gained prominence. In many books a cursory mention of the Goddess often precedes length dissertations about the male deities who replaced her. most misleading are the vague inferences that the veneration of a female deity was a separate, minor, unusual or curious occurrence. Since most books are concerned with one specific geographic area, this is partially eh result of the fact that the Goddess was identified by a specific name or names which were native to that location and overall connections are simply never mentioned. 

Upon closer scrutiny, however, it becomes clear that so many of the names used in diverse areas were simply various titles of the Great Goddess, epithets such as Queen of Heaven, Lady of the High Place, Celestial Ruler, Lady of the Universe, Sovereign of the Heavens, Lioness of the Sacred Assembly or simply Her Holiness. Often the name of the town or city was added, which made the name even more specific. We are not, however, confronting a confusing myriad of deities, but a variety of titles resulting from diverse languages and dialects, yet each referring to a most similar female divinity. Once gaining this broader and more overall view it becomes evidence that the female deity in the Near and Middle East was revered as Goddess - much as people today think of God."

-Merlin Stone, "When God Was A Woman"

"An Aquarian is as dingbatty, brilliant, genius-oriented, and patty-cake as they come. Two Aquarians together are exactly twice as dingbatty, brilliant, genius-oriented, and patty cake as they come. Now you get the picture -- the kind of picture you get when you gaze into one of those loopy mirrors in a carnival fun house. For Aquarius is the sign of genius and insanity, and it's often difficult to draw a fine line between these two virtues." - Linda Goodman's Love Signs

"I fall off the edge of my mind." - Britney Spears

So you know, I see where I’m going, or at least I see what I’m working on, but I’m not sure where it’s going to take me. On the good days I am humbled and thrilled and feel so blessed and see blessings everywhere. On the bad days I feel haunted, burdened, tired and infinitely sad. If you follow my Twitter you may know of the Prophet who came into my life shortly after Grant left it, looking like him in many ways, in dress, wielding the same power that Grant and I had with words and thought in greater measure, and struggling with the issues of manic depression that Grant and I both dealt and deal with but in greater intensity. While he has calmed down, I still really can’t figure why such a person came into my life, what is the lesson in falling in love with such a rippling, crackling living bolt of lightning that so lacks direction and focus? To show me how much I lack focus, balance, for all my regimented diet and exercise and yoga practice and rules and control issues? To show me how much harder I could have it, or maybe how much easier but how little difference that makes? 

I’m confused about what the future holds, go figure, but I know the spring of strength I’ve found and tapped as needed from within myself hasn’t even been fully mapped and may never be fully comprehended in its depth and intensity. I know that happiness, that fulfillment and true purpose rests in this giving over to the forces that are infinitely grander and more expansive and transcendent than I, than Alexis or Alex or whatever even mythologized concept of myself on this planet I can conceive, but that just as the old adage goes “As above, so below,” these ideas of scale are fairly moot at the end of the day, divinity is immanent within everything, everything is sacred, and thus the idea of sanctity becomes moot, just as male and female, black and white, night and day, all these imagined dualities we are socialized to see and experience fall away once you can really worm your minds way out of that way of thinking, it’s all important, it’s all very very important, and also totally banal, so we have no choice (or all the choices) but to live in a way that continually seeks to align our shifting purpose with the beautiful shifting spiral currents of the Universe, the Goddess, the All and One and None and Every and ???!!! … 

"The surprise, for me, is that the accruing weight of these departures doesn't bury us, and that even the pain of an almost unbearable loss gives way quite quickly to something more distant but still stubbornly gleaming. The dead have departed, but gestures and glances and tones of voice of theirs, even scraps of clothing, reappear unexpectedly, along with accompanying touches of sweetness or irritation." 

- Roger Angell

Shane This is a double edged sword. While those moments are signs and signals of the spirit departed, I have seen through personal experience that the longing for those lost has kept them trapped in this Earthly realm. So anytime someone dear to me passes on I like to call to my own guides and angels and their own to see them to the light with grace and ease. The spirit generally will stay until they have fully finished their work and have said their goodbyes (which generally lasts a couple of weeks which is why I believe the healing process and acceptance kicks in in that general amount of time because they are working with us in dream state and on the etheric plane). They are always present but transformed and shifted to a higher vibration unless the ka body sees fit to stay for undoing karmic relationships. But anyway, this is beautiful but we have to know that our loved ones are never really gone, but we have to let them go on to manifest on a fuller more whole expansive expression of source.

  • That's pretty anthroposophical to imagine that your image and memory and impression of someone can somehow tie their entire being to the physical plain. Just how your image and idea and perception of a living being is different than the being themselves and their image of themselves etc your memories aren't a chain on a sprit. There is no absolute spiritual existence just like gods and Goddesses we all exist simultaneously on so many different realms in so many complimentary and seemingly contradictory aspects. The Goddess is the Tree of Life is the Serpent is the Madonna is every woman and man and is the planet itself and the moon and the sun and the universe, as is each person and spirit. It's like saying if someone calls you a dog you become a dog. Aspects and memories and shreds of people live everywhere. Some strong held intact by the people they leave behind, some embittered and angry by trauma around their life or death, but there is always a reality where they moved on, became One with All again, because outside of our perceptions of time and space individuals or selves were always One to begin or end or never even exist with ...
    February 23 at 7:45pm · Like · 1

    Alexis Blair Penney
    I think this is the most common pratfall of esoteric thought or truth seeking, is this idea that once we transcend the dualities of life and death there still must be some absolute truth or reality around which the spirit world organizes itself, but that simply can't abide. Even in new Wicca we (loosely aligning myself there, mostly due to how much I embrace the teachings ofStarhawk) seek to embrace the ambiguity that allows for all perceptions of all realities to exist, all aspects of the Goddess to exist simultaneously, not contradictorily, certainly not always or ever literally, knowing that on some "end" of the spectrum we are all One (which even is a really loose concept that, the universal everything of well everything), rather than one - one self, one ego, one experience. I think that we are so socialized towards this duality, this notion that we are these bodies, these selves, these identities, and what we see and experience is so real as to be immutable and absolute, even when our unique subjective perceptions seem to outright contradict that of another, or that of the collective codified social perception. Even when attempting to transcend that we still find ourselves clinging to this idea of objectivity, that there is some universal truth out there that can be measured and counted and doesn't change when in truth the things out there that really don't change are so far beyond our perception as to basically render our entire concept of change moot, at least in MY severely limited view. The fact that you would consider it dangerous to remember or invoke your dead is really sad to me, to see what I perceive as that socialization run so deep. Living and dying are entirely natural, as are honoring and living in the memory of our dead, those are the original gods, the ancestors of the living, this is how we know we are who we are, this one unifying cycle we all exist within. There's nothing wrong with death, but the ways we live and die at this time definitely aren't natural. There is nothing dangerous to anyone but possibly you about the way you choose to remember your dead. The dead have already moved on, been born again, never existed, created the world ...
  • Shane Very well spoken  I have nothing to counter that whatsoever. I agree that seems strange that intense emotions can keep someone here, but every individual has a vibration that is like a fingerprint. when you cannot/refuse to let go of that vibration it will act as a magnet for them. I don't claim to know HOW or WHY, but I imagine it like working a spell. You cast a circle and call on a deity to be with you. The last thing you do is offer that deity blessings and bid it farewell along with other entities that may have been attracted to your light. you follow up with grounding the energy. That is the best way I can relate the idea. Not exactly the same, but it illustrates the point I think?purely from a healing standpoint, there are many spiritual practices that engage in bringing back those "lost" pieces of ourselves that may have been left behind, such as shamanistic soul retrieval and Egyptian mystery school practices that are developed to reclaim the power of these shards of self in order to become a more unified consciousness aligned with Source (the myth of Horus). My perspective does not include a fear of grieving or missing those that have transitioned to Spirit, but focuses on any methods i am aware of that can help that fragment along its way peacefully. The way it was expressed to me by a teacher was, in this respect we are all like schizophrenics, and the goal is to reunite our Consciousness to Oneness. what i find very beautiful is that there are people on this planet who feel it is their Soul mission to aide in the crossing over process and consider it there service to the world. It is true that we have no idea what fully happens outside the veil, but we are given pearls of wisdom and insight that pertain to our purpose in this incarnation which may have weight for one person but not another. And those pearls are shared in order for those that seek to find them  it's really hard editing thoughts for the page! My head is spinning with how juicy a topic this is!
  • February 25 at 12:49am · Like

  • Alexis Blair Penney I never said it seems strange or debated that emotional ties to the spirit of the dead exist, I just am arguing against the absolute existence of that or any spiritual reality as a state that prohibits other complimentary or even contradictory states. read what I said again. if we are going to grip to absolute anthroposophist objectivity of the spirit world, in effect rendering the spirit world or esoteric, metaphysical planes, however you want to call them, no different than the empirical, physical realities that esoteric thought attempts to transcend or side-step, then why even market these modes of thought as different at all? Might as well just be reading the Bible with everyone else, make it easy on yourself. It's time to transcend these dualities, like the duality of real or unreal. That's not the question we should be asking ourselves in terms of the dead.
    February 25 at 8:10pm · Like · 1

    Alexis Blair Penney
    Everything is real, as real as it is perceived by one person, everyone, or even no one, it exists. Which renders nothing "real" as we know it. So the question is basically moot. I look at all duality this way. You can't have the value 1 without establishing that it is not 0, so the different between the two, between all or everything, really becomes moot, as it's not really about their separateness as two states or differing aspects, if the only thing that defines one is that it is not the other. Duality is a metaphysical joke born of gripping so tightly to the basic dualities of male and female which are only ratified as different by the establishment of the patriarchy only about 4,000 years ago. Look into the religions and spiritual paths that predated even what we consider the most ancient and sage modes of thought of the Far East, the world that came before was not one of Us and Other, not All or Nothing, but a world of free-flowing fluid infinitely connected Everything, all perceived, all real, all valid and important. Time to take the growing pain of having lived this global myth of duality and move to a new stage canvassing all of these. We are smart enough, our brains are capable of barely glimpsing this other, deeper, arguably "realer" or "truer" way, it's there, it's time ...
    February 25 at 8:15pm · Like · 2

"Pornography and art are inseparable, because there is voyeurism and voracity in all our sensations as seeing, feeling beings." - Camille Paglia

"We know that art, particularly religious or mythical art, reflects not only peoples' attitudes but also their particular form of culture and social organization. [...] Goddess-centered art [...], with its striking absence of images of male domination or warfare, seems to have reflected a social order in which women, first as heads of clans and priestesses and later on in other important roles, played a central part, and in which both men and women worked together in equal partnership for the common good. If there was here no glorification of wrathful male deities or rulers carrying thunderbolts or arms, or of great conquerors dragging abject slaves about in chains, it is not unreasonable to infer it was because there were no counterparts for those images in real life. And if the central religious image was a woman giving birth and not, as in our time, a man dying on a cross, it would not be unreasonable to infer that life and the love of life - rather than death and the fear of death - were dominant in society as well as art." - Riane Eisler, The Chalice & The Blade

"For if we are all interconnected parts of the body of the Goddess, then pain in any part, no matter how small or how far away, is in some measure felt by us all." Starhawk

"Evil is being involved in the glamour and charm of material existence, glamour in its old Gaelic sense, meaning enchantment with the look of things, rather than the soul of things.”
- Kenneth Anger

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

And you know I’m depressed. I want love and I’m lonely. And I punish myself for it because it’s not cool to be this person that I am so thrilled to be, surrounded by this beautiful tapestry that I’ve woven together out of the weavings of so many others that have come before and are with me now, of music and art and magic and story and song and all of it, it feels really foolish to be sad and lonely. But I am. I haven’t been in a “real” relationship for over four years. That feels like a long and also very short time. I want to let myself off the hook. I want to remember that I actually am still suffering the loss of something I had with someone that, for all intents and purposes, was everything I’ve ever wanted in a person, personified, my savior and soulmate, and now I live in our house alone, sleep in his bed alone, breath his memory alone, of course with friends, with so many beautiful friends, and other soul mates, but no one is in that gap, that space in my life that I felt so acutely forever until I met Grant, and feel again now, even though I feel him with me always, it hurts a lot. And of course I look towards meeting other people always comparing them to him, a cruel punishment for everyone involved, and my friends say I should go see a therapist, something I prescribe to almost everyone, but I just can’t imagine what someone would tell me about death that I haven’t already experienced firsthand. Death is natural as life, our way of life is not. Death cleaves holes that may not heal and that is the way of life. I strive to change our unnatural way of life, that attempts to cleave us apart from the natural processes of everything, and I tell myself I am, that the only thing that matters is that, this holy work of moving and changing, and I must stay happy throughout to sustain and maintain the work, and the quest for happiness brings me back to loneliness, and the memory of this summer, just before he died, when I felt that happiest I’ve ever felt. It all feels like a lie I tell myself to pacify the futility of life, though I know it’s not futile, and I know on some level it is all a lie, and most obviously the way of life I seek to change, THAT is a lie, money is a lie, power is a lie…So I will lie too? Or perhaps I am telling myself the truth, I AM changing the world, slowly, surely, or at least tending the torch to pass it on to those who will continue the work, until the king dies and the serpent slithers in and we all reap the sacred fruit of metamorphoses and freedom once more. 

"We see our God in the wonderful order and lawfulness of all that exists and in its soul as it reveals itself in man and animal."
-Albert Einstein

"Decide what is sacred to you, and put your best life energies at its service. Make that the focus of your studies, your work, the test for your pleasures and your relationships. Don't ever let fear or craving for security turn you aside." 

I know probably not anyone reads this but I love to hear from any and everyone going through anything really, let’s talk, I’m here, you can contact me here or better at alexisblairpenney@gmail.com or even text me 913-515-6474. A lot of this transparency, this openness, I now see is totally performed, I am only ever as open as I allow myself to be, and there will always be things I hold back, maybe that’s a necessity for survival, or maybe I’m just still trying to reach an ideal that I can’t yet, but either way I’m trying. I miss you Grant. I love you all. 

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